New start, new futures and old past.

I finally for once in my life feel like I'm sorting myself out and doing something right for a change.

I did my final week at Honiton Community College last week and I'm now preparing for my one exam and then I prepare myself for Exeter College. It feels strange because I do feel like I'm moving forward, I finally have that feeling that everyone else got when they passed there GCSE's and went on to do A-Levels successfully or went to better colleges such as Huish. All my schooling years, I've always felt I'm a pretty intelligent person underneath it all but I never used it and that was down to sheer laziness and as a result, I failed everything but English. It's quite a weird feeling, many of you might not really get what I'm saying because you worked hard and got what you wanted but for me, this is a new feeling and it's a good feeling.

In my previous blogs, you've probably read that I was quitting school and going into full-time employment but as you've seen by the first paragraph, my plans have changed. It was down to one conversation with my friends girlfriend who goes to Exeter College and we got talking and I found out she was only studying one lesson. I'm not going to bore you with the details but I ended up looking into something that I could do and I found the perfect course that focuses on film making and video's. Perfect.

I never once felt right about leaving sixth form to go into full-time employment. I never once thought to myself 'this feels right, it's what I want'. I'm an honest guy who's not afraid to admit that I was scared of it, I didn't know what I was gonna do, I was totally clueless going into the 'big wide world'. I found this course at Exeter College and straight away my mind and heart told me this was right. Looking into it, everything said yes to me. There was no way around it.

But some of you may be thinking to yourself 'since you've got into sixth form, you've done nothing but had problems and hated it all, why did you not leave before?'. Well whether you did or didn't think that, I'll explain why...

Since about year 10 or maybe even before I've always been set on sixth form, I completely shut myself off from every other option and even when I got to the end of year 11 and I really had to think to make sure I was making the right decision, I was always saying 'sixth form'. The funny part of this, even though I've had a shitty year, things to do with my personal life and academically I've done shit - I still feel and think it was the right decision. I didn't consider Exeter or Tiverton because I was again too scared to leave. I didn't wanna go out and face up to new challenges, I wanted my life to stay the same - I was happy with it. But things began to change in roughly March when my schooling was becoming a serious issue with my attendance and grades weren't showing what I wanted. People weren't on the same level with me, people didn't want to stay the same like I did, they wanted change because it was exciting, not like me. Yes, I had personal problems at home and with myself but doesn't everyone? Even if mine were quite extreme, I still try avoiding using that as an excuse for my bad grades and bad attendance. I felt I hit rock bottom when I took two weeks out from school due to personal problems, my main problem was feeling lonely. I felt that a lot of my VERY close friends such as Nathan Mugford that were so good to me were slipping away, people were talking about university and going away etc, I couldn't join in with these conversations which made me feel awful so i moved into a group of people who didn't have the greatest aspirations after leaving school.

Back to my original point, I then realized what I needed was a new start; a new place, new faces, new challenges, new personal challenges. Everything, new. But again, Exeter didn't cross my mind until this conversation I had with my friends girlfriend. Once I made this decision, I felt good about myself. It felt right and I knew it. Exeter is a new thing for me, this means being more independent, taking control, starting on my own because none of my friends are joining me on this, this is a Zandie thing. I couldn't leave in year 11, I wasn't mature enough, not even close. But all this shit I've been through over this year, it's made me stronger, it's made me a lot more mature and I've grown up. My attitude towards this next step in my life is 'I'm gonna kick Exeter in the ass. I'm gonna meet new people, I'm gonna be a new person'.

In reading this, people maybe thinking that because everything is going to be so new I'll forget my past. I won't and I know I won't. I'm not just saying this. My friends have got me through so so so much and I will FOREVER be grateful to them. Yes I'll be meeting new people but this doesn't just mean 'out with the old, in with the new' - I will go through spells where I won't talk to my 'old' friends, but this isn't intentional - it's fact and when going through such a transition (for me personally) in my life, somethings will get away from me but I won't actually let go of them.

Lastly, looking over this just makes me feel that much more confident. I want people to read this one especially because I want people to realize why I'm moving on to a different place but at the same time I won't forget them because I know people who have and yes it is just over at Exeter, 20 mins in the car/train but everyone in sixth form can probably tell you at least one person they were good friends with went to Exeter and never really kept in contact. I have a beautiful girlfriend, a new course and a new outlook at my future and life - I'm ready for this...

xx