Relationships

Don't you just hate it when people just moan and moan about their relationship? When someone does, I can't help but ask myself the question - 'why do you bother, then?'. It's strange because I think why the hell don't they ask themselves that question and even when they do it's said sarcastically.

I always look at relationships at this age as 'why are we setting ourselves up to get hurt?'. This sounds so pessimistic but technically, it's realistic. I mean, nobody wants to get hurt so why set yourself up to have that happen? I know this sounds really anti-relationships but I'm actually not, I love being in a relationship as much as I do being single but I can't stand the feeling after it finishes, even if it finishes well. I suppose it's always great when things are going well and things but when it's not and you see it blatted all over Facebook about how shit everythings going and sarcastic 'Why do i bother?' - I automatically think it's so selfish because people don't want to read about your personal life, if I did - I'd ask you or we'd be close and I'd already know. Hence why I have this blog, big things that I really care and I'm willing to put out there, I'll write on here because it's totally optional, if you don't wanna read it because you can't be assed or not interested - fair shout! But if you do, then it's there but also I think it's selfish because of all the people on facebook who would kill to have what they have but haven't found the courage or the right person who will and they probably think the same.

Thinking about that, I hate it when in relationships when such small things because a huge issue, I don't understand why you'd want to make something small into something big when you know it will cause problems? Why can't people be happy with what they have and enjoy being in each others company because you clearly like them - that's why you're in the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I know disagreements happen but if they're minor, i think it's healthy because then there's room for discussion and improvements but it's when someone blows something that's so minor into something that can throw the spanner in the works with the relationship.

Finally, I know people would agree on this but I think it's the most stupid thing in the world - when people throw the word 'love' around, it's so wrong. People say 'hate is a strong word'.. Really? 'Love' is the total opposite and is a strong word yet people throw that around like anything, people who pretend to be in 'love' when they've been with someone 2 days.

Aha! What a rant. To end on a high note, I don't hate relationships and I don't hate 'love' - i hate you.. LOL joke! I love you guys, thanks for readinggggggggggg!

What a day

Today could possibly one of the greatest days of my young life. Seriously, I'm literally over the moon right now.

Since posting that blog yesterday, I must have had about 6-8 people complimenting on it and stuff and if I'm honest, I know a few people read this blog but I didn't expect more than one or two. Little scary though because a couple have said that they get inspired by these which has literally blown my mind because I never really set out to do that.. With this blog anyway. Ahh! It's such a motivator to make me go on and do big things, it's amazing what friends and people can do for you as a person so anyone who is reading this, thank you so much! If you think this is over the top.. Fuck you! This has done me wonders, so again - thank you!!

Next, I had a parents liaison meeting with my tutor and I was literally rained with praise, it's so scary. Even Jess, my other teacher stepped it and covered me with glory. I'm literally, so over-the-moon right now because she was saying things like 'I speak the most and because of that, I'm the focal point', I influence the whole group and when I work, everyone works. I don't know what this is, but I'm literally blown away by this and no, it's not like I'm trying to gloat about any of this I'm just literally so buzzed by it. One special mention which has literally really made me incredibly happy is that apparently (for people in our group will know) Terry, the quiet lad who keeps himself to himself was apparently on the verge of leaving because he felt quite left out or something along them lines, apparently my encouraging him and in Jess' words 'influencing' him and made him really come out of his shell, he talks more, he's easier to get a long with which I'm so happy about because our group being so charismatic, I can't stand the thought of someone being all quiet and feeling left out because that would be so lonely, especially in our loud and crazy group so I tried to get him involved, talk to him, sit next to him and I'm proper happy that what I'm doing is actually helping him because he's such a cool lad, even if he is incredibly quiet and timid. I feel so good right now because of all these things they were saying about having a natural ability to be so confident but also be so comforting and tender towards people and apparently that can't be taught. It makes me ask a question, this year may have been so traumatic, but has it been worth it? I'm really starting to ask myself that question? As you may know (from a previous blog) that I'm a strong believer in fate only we have more control over it than we think. Maybe this is fate? Maybe all this shit I've/We've been through was meant to happen to make me who I am now? I would love to know and I think the answers becoming clearer by the day.

Also, to top this day off.. My dad has a job in Afghan! After all this traumatic stuff that's happened in the last year with being crushed and splitting up with my mum - It's finally paid off!! Such great news, a little nervous because of where he is but just got to try and move passed that.

This is sheer proof that no matter what crap you go through, even if it's the worst thing ever and literally can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - if you believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will find it, I know and so do millions of other people on this planet and only you can truly believe whether there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you believe it - it will be there :)

xxxx

2010..

2009...

This was meant to be the year where everything was meant to come together and things would full into place for the Thornton family. Of course, things went horribly wrong and it coming towards the end of 2009 would be the thing that changed everything, not only me as a person but my whole life and the people around me.

Rolling into 2010, I guess I could say it was memorable but also in a humorous way it wasn't memorable. On the 31^st of December, I had about 40 people turn up at my house to celebrate the new year and a whole new sheet thing, it was memorable but obviously to the extent that I and everyone else had drank that night, my/our memories aren't quite up to scratch of the whole event. I remember something which I'm not 100% sure how we achieved but managing to fit pretty much 98% of that party attendee's into the conservatory to watch the year change, was pretty incredible and definitely the biggest and most fun way I've ever gone into a new year.

So going into 2010 was definitely a strange thing in terms of where my life was at, things had began changing in the household and obviously still in a pretty destroyed condition was my dad from being crushed, literally. He was still in a state but was definitely on the up. It's amazing how much my life changed due to this event which lead to another. Before I get on to any of that, it was kind of a weird because there was so much uncertainty within our lives and I think everyone knew.. In fact, I knew everyone knew but I don't think they understood where each one of us stood. January, we kind of just sorter plastered up what was going on but nothing was actually healing or progressing but we sort of continued with our lives like knowing something was wrong but kind of not admitting it, obviously I can't speak for the others in my family but personally it felt we were all sort of doing that.

Then, I was in sixth form and since the accident with my dad, my school form began to sort of be effected and attendance was getting worse and worse and it's funny because now I'm at college as this whole new life change thing but it was actually supposed to be when I went into sixth form, so a year before now. I flunked year 11 and just was lazy and ended up getting shitty grades as expected and to be honest, it's what I deserved. But yeah, it was effected and I was needing to be home looking after my dad, not because I had to but... I did have to at the same time, which seems confusing but obviously my mum was still living with us so she was working and bringing money into the house so with my dad being home alone and being totally incapacitated and couldn't even make himself a coffee. So I was beginning to separate sixth form and taking care of my dad and sixth form started becoming something that I can re-do or can be placed a side, of course something like this that happened to my dad was like a once in a life time thing so I had to make sure that I was there, just like Jake but his situation was different because he was in full-time education and my big brother was in full-time work. There was no wiggle room so I took it upon myself, not to sound heroic or any of that bullshit. I needed to be there. So, coming towards the end of January my parents relationship was then over, it was decided that it would finish, end of. No more. So falling into February things then started to get really moving, the plaster was off but it wound was left open. My mum then was not really staying at the home, she was staying at her friends house most of the time which at the time I guess seemed like really pulling away but looking back I pretty much know now that she made the right decision mainly to save arguing and everything and obviously we were all pretty mad at the situation, I remember having huge fights with both my parents and even my brothers so it was like huge, but I suppose having these couple huge fights kind of worked out for the best because it wasn't constant little arguments and couldn't escape from the situation but it did end up being like no-man's land in the World War 2 between the trenches, because no-one ever stepped foot in there or mentioned anything there, it was like a graze that was red raw and you couldn't put anything over it cos you couldn't touch it.

So basically after all this happened, my mum then found a place which was a small flat living with one of her friends good friend. This was like moving into the March, so my mum had moved out and dust had began to settle after a few weeks, the fights became less and less but it was all still pretty tender, my school lessons began to slowly drop and I ended up finishing with just the one lesson, ducking and avoiding in anyway to make sure I wasn't caught up with the sixth form teachers because I was just doing the one lesson which they didn't allow, so I just continued with media but IT and double IT had gone (not officially) because I wasn't keeping up with the work and it was starting to mount up.

Separately from both my family life and sixth form, my close friends began to change. So much changed because my best friend at the time was Eugene but we started having problems where we'd go for like weeks without even saying a word and it was all caused because of his girlfriend and obviously for such a long time I just stayed quiet about my ill feelings towards her but I didn't ever make a huge thing about it because Eugene was my best friend but I think he was aware of my feelings towards her and it was causing problems with the things that he was doing and the way I was reacting to it and I even feel now if me and him were closer, he would have been there a lot more during my parents splitting up but because of what was going on, it was put over it. I don't judge Eugene for that because it would have been awkward and would of probably felt fake, but you can make your own decision of whether we should of just put it passed us and we should have been there for each other whilst I was going through it or you can understand the weird feelings floating about between us, even now I guess I'm not really sure to what to think now. I don't really dwell on it too much now because me and Eugene are still good friends, even if we're not best friends.

It was strange because during this weird thing with Eugene, I started to realise what was going on around me and everyone's actions towards me and I really noticed that Matt and Alex Gocher were starting to really surround me with themselves and I started noticing that these two guys were my best friends and I was literally blown away by how Matt handled it because he's such a great guy who's been through some real tough times and he got his first serious relationship with someone so obviously this was/is huge to him and it was to everyone else, but the amazing thing is he didn't get so obsessed or too wrapped up in his own things, he continued to be around me while going through this, which brings me on to Gocher because he's recently been through something himself and he was really there, offering advice and generally being like another brother like Matt. Me and Gocher were good friends because obviously we did the charity gig together so we were good friends then but we'd never talk about things that were deep but we got more and more like that and now I can officially say he's the best thing since sliced bread just like Matt and these two are definitely by a billion miles my best friends.

Music then started becoming a huge part of mine when both me and Gocher set up this band called The Loud Majority which never really turned into anything but it certainly placed the foundations to what is now (with Half Mile Heights) and at the time, I didn't realise that this passage we went through with a crappy joke band would make me what I'm like now.

So we're half way through March and basically these things are really starting to get to me, I'm proper struggling to hold things together, my dad was certainly on the mend and he was like getting better and completely like transforming himself mentally at such a quick rate and physically he was getting there to, but as he was getting better and taking things over for himself, I guess my body and mind began slowing down after spending. like 4-6 months really being there for somebody and being full on. So, yeah things began falling to pieces for me, I literally couldn't handle what was going on and I remember being eventually caught up with sixth form and ended up them letting me finish with the one lesson but also found out what was going on and really offered to support, which is funny because I take the piss and all that shit out of sixth form and I still mean that saying that it's crap but being there for me, they were A* in themselves and I ended not being able to hold my shit together, I had to take two weeks off (two weeks before Easter so I ended up with 4 weeks off including half term) on personal leave, I guess that's what you call it.

The two weeks I actually took off is probably, most definitely the most horrible dark pit I've been through in my life so far. I mean, it was like hell in my head, I spent the first week literally just in my room, eating shit food (doughnuts mainly), lying in bed and not talking to anyone and the second week was like the same only I was a bit more open to a few things, talking to my brothers and stuff. Over this time I started talking to Brad Ablett who had been a close friend like over the whole of sixth form and probably both GCSE years and I already heard them, I had something like 6 songs on my iPod but I never understood what they stood for and this is where my life has literally changed, Brad told me what Angels and Airwaves (AvA) were truly about and all of a sudden the lyrics were starting to make sense and my whole attitude began changing. All of a sudden, I knew that this pit I was currently in was like something I was always going to go through and I became a lot more optimistic to the things around me. I started looking into Angels and Airwaves more and more, interviews, songs, videos and literally, my life went from what it was, being in that pit and then slowly started creeping out the other side, I literally listened over and over to there albums and before I knew it, I felt like a new person. This is where my sheer love of creating music and listening to music came from because I realised some people who said 'Music makes me feel totally different' but I never really got influenced but this changed me.. Hence why Tom Delonge is really the idol and who I shape myself to be like and how I've become so like him because I just think that he's an amazing guy who literally got me through what I did, coming out of a shithole to realising that things really aren't as bad as I think it's like.

Over this, as you may know I went head first into my first proper relationship (after getting sick of bouncing from one girl to another at each different parties) in such a long time with Rachel Oakley and I reckon that was the final thing that pulled me out this pit, everything was starting to be sweet and looked so much better. I must admit that it was strange because I just wasn't used to it at all, but I eventually got into it. 7^th April is when things started with Rachel.

When I went back to sixth form, I was basically told that if I wanted to stay next year, I had to pick up two more lessons which my mind was still in 'this can be put aside' mode, so I decided against that and go into full-time work. Even though I was set on that idea, I was actually shit scared of that, I had no clue what the adult life was like and full-time work so I was always had no clue to where I was going with it.

I ended up getting talking to Gocher's girlfriend, Katie, who told me about Exeter College and that you could study the one lesson if you wanted. So I looked into it and I found the most perfect course for me and I realised I could just study that if I wanted to. Before I knew it, I was applying and it was like impulse, I didn't really think about it. I think that's what I've been lacking in my personal life for like the last three years, starting back in year 10. I would never really take much of a chance, when it came to doing new things. But this move felt right, it was so strange, I had an interview and then enrolment and before I knew it, it was like 5 weeks away from starting a completely new chapter in my life.

The biggest thing other than going to college and my parents splitting up was the formation of Half Mile Heights. People are probably thinking I'm taking this way to seriously but I really am and I don't give a shit if people think that because this band was supposed to be just a band to start with but as time has gone on, I've remembered going through that two weeks where I was literally fucked in the head and then how a band and a certain music made me change and it became clear that this is what I wanted to achieve, I want make something that changes people like Angels and Airwaves changed me and it's funny because people are probably looking at me and saying 'you're just trying to be Tom Delonge'. Okay, I am and I'm not because I'm my own person, I have been since as far back as I can remember but I am because his attitude to music, changed me and no doubt thousands and thousands of people to, so thinking that I hope to take his attitude and create something similar and hope to make people feel or change to make themselves better like he did for me. So the first thing to do was to get someone who wanted to do this to and of course the first person I would go to.. Without even thinking would be Alex Gocher. I'd worked with him before music wise and he was like my best friend with Matt so we started this thing and I don't think he was on the same wave length as me initially, I think he thought we were going to create something heavy and techno like Enter Shikari due to us being huge fans of them, like my favourite band along with Angels and Airwaves.

For me, I hope Gocher's reading this because in all honesty, when this band set out, I did want that initially but I always wanted to create something like Angels and Airwaves but I didn't believe I could do, now I do. It's not that I'm trying to control the band, or any shit like that (which comes relevant soon). I wanted direction and because I'm limited with instrument knowledge, I needed someone who had the know-how but is also on the same wave length as me, I needed Gocher and I had to find away of getting across to him what I wanted but it's not just what I wanted, I wanted Gocher to come round to the way I'm thinking and because I know he's on the same brainwaves as me, I know he will. I can imagine this is coming across as very me controlling but it really isn't, it's what I've wanted to set out to do before I was even into music like I am now. Fuck knows how I was gonna do it and now I think that I'm trying to do it with music. I hope.. And I think Gocher is now on the same wave length as me and I believe Lewis is to because he's always judging himself as someone who is gonna get no-where in life and I think this is a chance for him to prove himself and everyone wrong, because I believe he can.

Completing the band was to get another guitarist/bassist and that was to get my great friend at the time Matt Waldron. We started off slowly but things eventually started getting rolling but before we actually looked to start taking off, something literally rocked us when some stuff that Matt had said to some people and I'm not gonna go into what he said because that isn't fair but I didn't agree and neither did Gocher and neither did anyone I told and it was so frustrating cos we ended up like arguing like mad, literally sending texts that were 10 texts long and it was some crazy shit, all this stuff coming out and finally it became clear that me and him just weren't going to see eye-to-eye any more. After that, the band sort of went quiet on practising terms, because no-one was aware of what was going on until after about a month of not talking to him, we removed him from the band. It wasn't supposed to be harsh but there was no-way it was going to be worked out and because I had started the band with Gocher, we thought it was the right thing to do because we would just cause more arguments. I don't regret anything I said to Matt and any of the actions I took (except the Facebook incident). It was crazy man, losing a very close friend that you're very tight with, feels like a huge chunk of your personal life just goes.

On the 13^th of August I started college which was like the biggest thing I've had to do on a personal level, it was time to meet new people and it was time to leave people behind, it's not that I have anything against the people I don't see much now, it's the complete opposite of that, I miss a lot of them guys but it was time for me to do something that was right for me, everything that had happened over this year made this move the right one for me, there was no ifs, or buts, it was the only thing I could do to prove to myself that I could branch out and I could become my own man in terms of not just sticking close to home and I know college is only like 20 minutes down the line but it's the whole new social side of things and how you have to carry yourself about the way you live and take things at college. I wanted new people in my life, people who didn't know me or what I'd just been through throughout this year and that's what I've achieved so far, people knew nothing about me and I've met some amazing people from the short time I've been at college and my life has completely changed, I'm a completely different person and that again relates back to my band because I wanted to transform myself from the person I was before I hit that depression stage and then climbed out of it because of music, I knew that the band would be a slower way to change myself so if I wanted to change, it had to be something big, something that happened in an instant and that was what I did when I went to college and my personal life would surround our band and how we want to achieve that new feeling. I also think that leaving Honiton was always for the best and leaving people behind was because people started accusing me of being arrogant and cold towards certain people, but that wasn't it, it was literally me trying to branch out and better myself from being looked at as 'A great guy with intelligence but is too lazy'. I wanted to be a better person, intellectually and personally. I think that's how I handled the split up with Rachel so well because of the new people around me and they were just there for me, no questions asked. I mean, I split with Rachel, we were together for like 7 n a half months and I spent the final two and a half months not happy with what was happening, which again sounds harsh but we tried to fix it and it didn't work out and now it's all over, I'm back to my normal self and I feel good about where I am in life.

Whoever reads this, I hope it was an interesting read but also lays out some actions maybe I took towards you, actions I took within my band (falling out with Matt), going to college and cutting certain people out. I had to do this for the right reason and like I heard Tom Delonge once say that 'it comes to a point where you have to do what's best for yourself'.

Saturday

Sometimes I really feel like a guy who is stuck in a dead end job who has no girlfriend and no real drive when I think about my Saturdays.

See, my Saturday's are 'Zandie's day' which basically is a day that involves nothing but me. I get up in the morning, I tend to just do all the regular stuff but then when it hits 12:10 - football starts. I watch Football Focus then I would usually watch Sky Sports News but obviously I haven't got that now so I have to then watch Final Score from 2.30pm to 6pm. Then I tend to chill right out until Match Of The Day and The Football League Show.

Some people may think this is a little sad but since I moved my work day to Sunday.. I can't exactly go out and get hammered because I won't be able to stomach work the next day (literally!) but I do love these days, they rarely involve anyone else and as much as I absolutely love college, I still look forward to Saturday's the most. I don't have to endure anyone else's problems but my own and even then, they don't exactly cross my mind because it's a proper chill out sesh.

This pretty much proves to me (and anyone else) that my passion for football is still there, despite not playing it anymore. This whole day pretty much revolves around football and being lazy and a lot of the time, (again as much as i love college) - this is the day i look mostly forward to.

In other things, my band is looking for a bassist. We've decided to play all to our strengths and bass certainly isn't mine haha! I'm going to stick to playing my Kaoss Pad and writing music and if I was being really daring to say - singing haha!

Oh and recently I've started reading Michael McIntyre's autobiography, from the little I've read already - I would advise anyone to read it, it's pretty damn hilarious from the word go.

I'll blog again soon. x

Friends..

How can you really decide who is a good friend?

In my opinion, to be a good friend you have to have so many qualities and to people who actually have these traits don't realise they have them. So many people can claim they're good friends and try to prove that they're good friends but a lot of these are so cautious of people thinking that they're not so they have to always prove that they're the best kinda friend, ever.

My best friend is Matt Urquhart, he's always been there even if he doesn't notice it. He's always there, we agree and we disagree but he's a proper sound guy, never puts a foot wrong.. And this why it makes me think that people who set out to be a good friend are never really going to be as good what they make out to be because it doesn't come naturally, it's the kind of people who just stay quiet about it and just do what they do.

To be honest, it's the same as Alex Gocher, these two guys were really there for me when I split up with my girlfriend because despite being the one who orchastrated the break-up, it didn't mean it wasn't rough on me. These guys were here though, maybe without even thinking about it - sure, I had other people who helped me through it (such as Anna Pincombe, Jade Lloyd, Chloe Bradshaw) but they were never SO close to me, they could never understand 100% what was going on but it is the thought the counts and they did really offer me support, especially in college where Matt and Gocher don't go to my area of college so that was appreciated.

It's not always people who have to be there through those times, it can be people who you generally hang out with but aren't bad people who are gonna just talk to you and treat you like the next people they see, I got plenty of these who I do consider friends such as; Ash Dawkins, Adam White, Terence Rich, Brad Ablett and quite a few people but they're good mates I've known for a long time, since I was a very young age.

It's so strange how things can get turned on it's head though, sometimes you can see someone who is so close to you and you consider a best friend and then something happens and everything get's so fucked up. I'm not naming any names but the person who I'm talking for me personally isn't a bad person, he's a good person but what he said may not of nessercirily come across as abusive or violent, or even that offensive but the problems I've had with being a dominating character, I've always worked hard to avoid doing what he claimed I was doing around my friends because I don't want to push people away. I know a lot of this wasn't true what was said because again Alex Gocher has stuck with me through all the crap I've been through trying to set up a band who can actually get something moving, such as my latest band was built on good friendship, all very close friends yet things can just change in a second. Friendships are delicate, especially if they're close because you put so much trust in to some people so if something happens, the trust is gone and without trust - I don't feel you can consider them as a close friend.

Still, after all this, you don't always need SO many good friends 'cause at the end of the day - you don't anyway because it's only the ones you see on a regular basis and I notice 95% of the time, you hang out with the same people.

BLOGBLOGBLOG. xx