Reckless

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

It's all I do. Someone says something, SNAP!

I'm hanging on to every word people say, I've always been like it but it's worse at the moment and it's causing me to be reckless with everything I do. I have to admit, I fear that the way I'm acting at the moment is gonna sabotage everything I have.

Not gonna lie, I feel like I'm a constant man period and it's fucking annoying. I feel a little unsettled and lost, and I know I'm not the only one.

I don't know if I'm misjudging situations, reading into things that aren't there or in general being stupid. The worst part is, I'm aware of me thinking I could be wrong and it's frustrating because I still can't think that and then think 'Oh I'm just being stupid', because I continue to question things. I read something recently, 'Secrets don't always destroy things.. Suspicion does'. That is so true, and I hate that I feel like that.

Anyway, I need to sort this out or I can kiss goodbye to all the good things in my life.

Well I Guess This Is Growing Up..

Sitting on Facebook earlier, I started feeling really nostalgic while looking at all the people I went to school with and what they're doing now. Okay, I'm not going to talk like we're all thirty and off with jobs and families but even two years on; everyone is in completely different positions, locations and situations.

So many people I used to hang out with everyday at school or at parties and things are the people I never see any more. It's sort of a sad thought really but then at the same time, it was inevitable but it's funny how when you're back in year eleven and prior to that, you never think this will happen.

People I used to be friends with in school have moved to different parts of the country to go to university and some people are just generally working and aren't really about to be seen these days. What's weird is I can remember sitting in shitty assemblies with Mr Williams talking about crap that nobody could really give a shit about and looking about as we were all wearing our uniforms and not even thinking about uni and things, I remember those 'days' like it was yesterday.

To be fair, some people are still in sixth form but just because they're still there, they're almost like completely different people, literally strangers to what I used to know them. Even people I see around college who I used to go to school with are just completely different people now. Even myself, okay, I'm technically two years behind everyone but I'm totally different because I've finally sorted myself out, like the other people I used to be good friends with when they first went into sixth form. It's a wicked place to be, even if I'm two years behind.

I was on Twitter and noticed a couple of my friends who for the life of me, could never imagine driving both driving. It's insane. Those guys driving is so far away from when we used to hang out playing football in year ten and eleven.

Aside from that, everyone's social groups seems different. When you're in school, you're surrounded by large amounts of people but when you go passed year eleven, it seems you narrow it down to certain people. A lot of the time it's the same people who previously hung out with, but it's only one or two people from the actual group you see very often. It's quite cool really, because I always think that you can know so many people but the people you can fully trust and things, you can count on your fingers, even if you have seven hundred odd facebook friends. From another angle, I also think it's really interesting to see who people actually end up mainly being with, and a lot of the time, it's not even a case of "shows how good of a friend they were", it's just growing up. You never see adults hanging out with a huge amounts of people, they might know a lot of people but only really see certain people and I think that's already happening to people my age, I guess I didn't see it happening this early but I suppose you never really can predict when it'll happen because you haven't lived a life previously to know.

I think it's quite funny how I've ended up talking to a lot of people I never imagined myself talking to ages ago more than I do to people I used to hang around with. I know when you get older, you're passion for things becomes a lot more narrower. When you're younger, you sort of love everything but as you begin to leave your 'school years', your interests just sort of narrow down and then you end up being far more compatible with people who share the same interests.

I guess I kinda find it a little sad, though. When you see people you used to be so close with and now when you see them, they feel like strangers. Most recently, I've seen Patrick Feeney a couple of times, I used to have such a fucking time with him and now I barely see him, fortunately, in this case, it wasn't awkward at all and we spoke like we never had not hung out, although there was a lot of 'catch-up' talk, not just general goings on talk. But I know other cases where you see people and you may say hello but that's it, and in all honestly, I find it more awkward when it's just hello.

For the position I find myself in now, I'm very happy with the kinda way my social scenery is. Sure, I'd love to have more parties and things and I'm sure things like that will pop back up now I'm back at college, but from day-to-day, I consider my best mates to be; Matty Urquhart, James Lynn, Adam White, Anna Pincombe, Hal Dimond and Adam Jacks. I definitely still include Lewis and Gocher still in there, of course, they're like my brothers but I just don't see them much any more which is a real shame so naturally, it makes us grow apart but I still love those guys.

I've also noticed the way I personally feel on relationships with people that they become ever so strong, yet so fragile. I think whether it's a girlfriend/boyfriend or a very close friendship, I think things can be very strong but also has a fragile edge to it, especially if you have left education altogether because you're left with a couple of close friends and because a lot of the time, they are your close friends and you don't have a huge amount more (compared to when you were at school) so the friendship can become a little 'tedious' at times and things can just spiral and cause tension.

It's the same in relationships, I find relationships as you get older become mature but yet fragile too, I think naturally you see each other differently and act differently which makes things a lot different to when you're in education. If you see too much of each other, things become shakey and can brake and you can also have problems with work and things so you might not see each other as much which again makes things shakey.

It's amazing how much can change in just two and a bit years. I guess this is growing up..

Crash

I feel like I'm falling.

I'm burning bridges.

I'm pushing people away.

I'm self destructing.

I can't shake off the feeling of failure.

I can't shake off the fact I'm worrying about everything.

I feel like I'm pushing away the girl I'm falling in love with.

I feel like I want to be alone, yet when I'm alone, I hate it.

I feel like I'm so fucking jealous of everything.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

I feel pretty useless most of the time.
I feel like I'm not very good at anything.

I feel I'm close to falling into what happened in early 2010.

I'm feeling angry.

I feel lonely.

I feel paranoid.

I feel I'm judged upon appearance and not personality.

I feel like I'm biting my tongue.

I feel my moods are fucking with the people around me.

I'm nervous.

I'm panicking.

I'm acting reckless.

I'm self involved.

I can't stop focusing on negatives.

I don't see positives.

I hang on to every bad word that's said.

I need someone to talk to.

Why? I don't know.

'So wrong to say, that I feel this way'

Recently, as you may have seen with previous blog posts, I've seemed a little different.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been full of self doubt and criticising a lot about myself. Before you think 'here we go again', I'm not talking like I was at the beginning of 2010.. Not even close to that, in fact, not even in the same category.

I guess over the last couple of months, my life has slowly come to a hault in what I'm doing. The thing is, my mind I feel becomes stagnant when I'm not doing anything. A lot of people are similar and I get particularly bad when I'm like it, especially when I've come out of such a hectic and incredible year at college. Yes, I'm going back next year so not all's bad but I do need certain projects to keep me from becoming a little stale. I'm not going to love everything at college, units wise, but generally it will keep me going.

I have to be doing something that physically, without sounding like a depressive, makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I feel at this very moment in time, I don't have much going on. I spend a lot of time doing nothing and the worst part is, I'm by myself. I'm not going to lie, I like my own company very much, I almost feel totally free when I'm on my own but I do miss social interaction when I haven't seen someone in a few days. In fact, after not seeing anyone properly for 4 or more days, I actually feel as if my mind struggles. I was looking into the film 'LOVE' that has been all done through Angels & Airwaves (my idols) and it made me realize a few things. One of the main themes in the film are about human interaction and it goes into certain things like what you would do and how you'd cope without it along with many other things. It made me realize, if I hadn't already before, that human and/or social interaction pretty much makes you survive, keeps you sane, forms your personality. It might seem like an obvious thing but I guess I've never really had a problem with not having social interaction like pretty much the vast majority of population in a way that really effects me and most people.

But over the last couple of months, college was ending and has no ended and in all honesty, I don't see a lot of people. As I said previously, it's not such a problem a lot of the time but after a while, I struggle with coping with it. I have a need to see people and interact. I do know many people who will meet others when they're asked too but can see many, many people who at the same time, their family is enough social interaction and can sit inside doing their own thing quite happily for long lengths on end. I can never see myself like that, it's not that I have a problem with my family at all, it's this constant need to see people and do something.

The reason I say this is because my social interaction becomes a less of a need when I'm 100% focused on a project, for example, my film, I could spend a lot of time with people I needed to and then wouldn't have to see people for days on end, if I did then great but I didn't actually need to. The truth is, I haven't got a project that is 100% focusing me right now.

Okay, so I have my band which has gone through a complete turnover in the last month including two of them leaving and one joining and it's quite odd. It's a good odd but I'm not used to it and I think it does great things for me, it allows me to express myself in a way that I don't feel cheesy or feel as if it damages my pride and it's really rad. It does have it's downside though, as I mentioned at the top with the lack of self confidence it's effecting the way I write, the way I sing and they were I act around the other guys. I've never been great at singing but I've always loved doing it and I've always loved writing lyrics which I think lead me to singing but I'm not sure whether it's my lack of confidence right now but I'm constantly criticizing myself, like, to a new level. My singing was completely off during practice and to be honest, I seriously hate making excuses for the fact that I'm not very good at something but it was particularly off at practice I think because of two things, I've had a sore throat for the past week and I was incredibly nervous of singing in front of our new drummer, especially because of the fact that I'm not very good.

It's effecting the way I write as well, I have written one decent song in the last 3 to 4 months and it's been a nightmare. Previously, lyrics would seem to just fall out of my head and on to paper but at the moment, it's just not happening. It's not even the fact that I'm just trying too hard at it because I know that lyrics come to you, if you try, then you'll fail because you'll find yourself writing general crap and end up second guessing yourself and then it gets kinda boring and then you get frustrated because you just can't get anything down. I have a massive problem with what I can't seem to over come, I can't think how to sing lyrics and because I can't play guitar particularly well, I can't even write something in my own time and put words to it. It's something I've always struggled with since early last year when I decided I wanted to be in a band and my mind constantly lingers on it and it makes me criticize whether I can continue doing it and whether I'm cut out to do it.

One thing about me is that I've always been able to pull a mask on. I know people always claim they do but I find people who are constantly saying they are is bullshit. I say this now and it's the first time I've publicly said it. Yes, certain people know who I really am (if you want to put it that way?) and what I'm like and they love me for it and help me with things I fear and feel insecure about but I've always had this confidence that I could just pull on and actually use without people looking twice. I did it when I started college last year, I went to college acting like I had no problem in the world and I was this totally great and fun guy who could sort of do what I want. It worked, despite everything I had just walked out from. I'm not lying to everyone about who I am because I have the ability to do that, you see some people who act confident but you can see through it, people couldn't see through mine. That side of me helps, it allows me to make friends that I can learn to trust and things but it also allows the problem of when I have a 'weak moment', people might think 'what the fuck?' because people don't expect me to be like it.

I need to be working on something, I want to pour everything I have into my band and into making more films and videos. I don't think I'm particularly good at music but I do seriously want to get involved with it, I love what music has done for me which is the main reason, I look at the people who are involved in it and it's like, I want to be like them. Not for fame or glory or any of that bullshit and I mean that because I can be honest and say the simple reason to why I want to be like them, they're cool. And I'm talking from people right at the top like Tom DeLonge and Josh Franceschi who have fan bases and records to people who are in the local scene, a good friend of mine is quite a popular lad in the local music scene, Dan Guest but other than people I know pretty well directly, like Dan Broadley from The Deering and Ash Taylor formerly of We The Machines with Dan Guest n things. I guess it's kinda sad really but to a degree, I couldn't give a shit, I like their music and despite not knowing them as like a best mate, they're cool people who I would hang out with.

With my film making, it's different, I genuinely feel I'm good at something which for so long I've wanted. Yes, I'm young and have a lot to come and learn about but I'm surrounded in people who are good at things and I've always had this massive insecurity about never being really that good at anything but after creating 'Lost Boy' and it being a massive success at the show night and winning Best FMP (final major project) award, it made me feel like I'm good at something and it's something I want to press on with. It keeps me busy and allows me to create something in my own image that perhaps many other things don't, music does but as I've mentioned that I've been struggling with it recently so making films allows me to do it in another way. I've been working on something for the last week now, ideas wise, I've not got the equipment to do it until I go back to college but I do have an idea that I hope to put into action over the next few weeks to prepare it so I can immediately jump back into it when I go back to college before the work comes thick and fast. I would keep a serious eye on that, I won't tell you too much but it has a lot to do with what I've been talking about and how to come out of that. It's weird because it's like telling someone else who is in the exact same rut to get out of it. Strangely, it's like telling someone else how to do it but really, it's me that needs to tell it to allow me to hear it.

Strange.

'Haters Gonna Hate!'

I'm looking forward to college next year. It's going to be.. Interesting. It's something I'm caught in, I'm keen to move on and continue doing something that I'm good at but at the same time, the idea of being stuck in the 'college years' for so much longer is always nagging away at the back on mind. It shouldn't bother me but it does, which brings me on to my next point.

I guess I've never been too great at expressing feelings too well, so I tend to write them down. Like now, right now and many other occasions on here. It's a strange thing to how I use this blog, I mean, it's so public and I do share it on facebook (for 90%) of things. I was surprised that quite a few people read it which I mentioned before but I always thought that was rad but it also has it's benefits being public, mainly because I can put something on here and if people read it, they might understand why I might react to a certain situation.

What bugs me about it, is that I still have to put boundaries on here. For example, I still feel I have to write things on here to sort of please others, in a sense where I don't want to offend people. Then it occured to me that yes, I do write things on here that people may not agree with and share it on facebook, in some aspect, I can see why people would be peeved if I offended something or someone on here but also at the same time, it clicked to me, this is my space. Yes, I put it up on facebook but I certainly don't ask people to read it, I once got labelled as someone who writes a fuck load of shit on here to get attention which is completely wrong. I mean, as I said previously, if I wanted people to give me attention, I'd be like some other mugs on facebook that put depressive little statuses up about how they're upset and depressed. Okay, I've done this a couple of times but in my defence, have you seen the amount of statuses I put up? I probably have done it once every thousand times, like yesterday about having a down day about my vocals, don't get me wrong, I wasn't asking people to comment on saying 'oh no, just keep trying, you'll come good or something', it was simply putting it up there but then I kinda regretted it after, I couldn't help but feel so douchey after I posted it. On here though, I can post shit where I can write that because it's 100% optional to read it and I don't need people to comment shit stuff on it and if they do, it's their choice but a lot of the time I don't and I just get a 'like' for it, which is cool; it sorter shows people read it but also shows that they don't need to comment on it so I'm not looking for attention. Anyway, from now on, I'm gonna be writing shit on here that I couldn't give a fuck what people think of it. Whether they think I'm being a depressive, a wanker, egotistical, etc.. Because my answer to you is, if you want to think that about me after reading a blog post, then fine, but don't give me shit about it when it was 100% your choice to read it.

Finally for this part, I had to post that because I'm about to write some stuff that people might label or whatever in another post.

blink-182 - Up All Night

A momentous moment when KROQ played blink-182's eagerly anticipated new single 'Up All Night'.

Since the hiatus, nothing new has been played. No real teasers or anything but in my opinion, it was definitely worth the wait.

I was briefly skimming through blink's status and the comments they were receiving.. I definitely saw a lot of people who really liked the single, of course there were always going to be people who didn't like it but tbh, I really liked the single.

I felt it had elements of the old blink-182, Angels & Airwaves and Box Car Racer which for me is a really cool blend.

It seemed a tad heavier in my opinion, not a bad thing of course and it sounded more like a rock single than a punk single which I quite frankly, welcomed.

In some ways, I can see why people don't like the fact it comes across as something that AvA would release that would have something like 'feat. Mark Hoppus' or something but I also look at it as if this really was too Angels & Airwaves, I think Tom probably would have kept certain elements of it for AvA.

I guess when people say they don't like it because of the AvA element, I can see why but it's incredibly hard for me to agree with them because of my love for Angel & Airwaves makes it practically impossible to hate but aside from that, the facts are, it's not Angels & Airwaves.. It's blink-182, it'll be on the album and it's their latest single and I very much enjoyed the new track and can't wait to hear more new stuff and their whole album, in general.

Certain comments I simply can't stand are people who think it's not blink at all, because, well, it is. I don't know what some of these people are thinking, are they expecting them to release songs they've already released again? Some of these people speak like they're saying 'release Take Off Your Pants and Jacket'. These people make me think they're so stupid, they might actually be saying that and it's brutally painful to hear people say that because I think 'are you that stupid?'.

As for the electronic side that this song has, were people not expecting it? It comes back to them acting like they want previous albums to be released again. Tom uses electronics in Angels & Airwaves and there were certain electronic elements (such as keyboards) in +44's music and with Travis using electronics in his solo music and things, it's no real surprise this was added. Plus, so many bands do it these days which again is why I wasn't surprised.. So many bands start out with one sound where they stick too and don't explore other areas because for reasons that they chose, perhaps it was a money thing where they can't really afford to buy certain electronic gear or their genre doesn't particularly open up to that sort of thing and they want to stay true to the genre but you find as time goes on, band's do open up to adding some form of electronics/synthesizers, even deathcore bands such as Bring Me The Horizon, as they've grown, synths have been added, You Me At Six have added some synths, pretty much every band these days that are classed as 'big' and are featured a lot these days use it in some way or another.. Clearly people can't accept that.

Overall, in my opinion - rad song, can't wait to hear more, welcome back blink-182.

Sleep Patterns, Frank Turner and Friends

01:19am. I'm wide awake yet I pulled a long ass shift today.

I could be over-tired, but then again, my sleep pattern again is fucked.

Okay, so it's not the latest anybody has been awake, let alone me. There was times where I'd sit up on the Xbox or computer till 4 or 5am.. Kind of weird seeing the sun start peeking over the hills as I sit there totally engrossed in some game of either Command and Conquer, Football Manager or an Xbox game, like Battlefield or Call of Duty and talking to Adam White. Mind you, two summers ago I did watch a hell of a lot of baseball in Channel 5 until the bastards took it off. That didn't even start till like 1.30am. Good times, bed at 4am and wake up 1pm.

Of course, I am different now. I have this obsession that you waste half of your life sleeping so now I go to bed late and get up early. It doesn't do me any good some days, but at least my obsessive and compulsive brain knows I've got a good portion of the day done, even if it's just sitting around doing nothing really great with my day.

Which brings me on to my next point; Frank Turner - Reasons Not To Be An Idiot.

I love that song. Initially it was because I thought to myself, 'catchy, acoustic rock, good feel'. Then I was sitting there listening to the lyrics fully and realized that song actually speaks a lot about how my current life style is.

First verse:

'You're not as messed up as you think you are

Your self-absorption makes you messier

Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better

Deep down you're just like everybody else'

Straight away that seems to aim something right at me. Okay, so I don't think I'm exactly 'messed up' as such, I think I'm a little whacky but that's just me. But sometimes when you have your down days and you can't help but think to yourself about all the negative points to your life.

'Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better' - I agree with that more than anything, arguably. Sometimes when I'm having a shit day, I take 5 minutes to myself to chill the fuck out and I actually do feel a million times better.

Chorus:

'So why are you sat at home?

You're not designed to be alone

You just got used to saying "no"

So get up and get down and get outside

Cos it's a lovely sunny day

But you hide yourself away

You've only got yourself to blame

Get up and get down and get outside'

Okay, like I said, 'arguably'.. This really is my current lifestyle. Things have been kinda strange for me of late. It's topsy turvey.

I've got some great things going for me at the moment; yes, I'm a year out of sync for my age but I'm on the right track at college and finally doing something that I'm actually good at and I have a great bunch of friends, both the guys I met at college and the people I knew prior to college. My band has finally passed a huge block for ourselves recently, won't go into that too much and finally, I'm feeling more optimistic about things than I probably ever have.

The one thing about going to college that did effect me in a slightly negative way is when I moved on to meet new people and kinda cut a lot of people out of my life, it was the exact aim I wanted. The negative effect it had was that I became friends with a great bunch of people.. That didn't live in Honiton (except Jade).

So, going to college was in Exeter so I'd see everyone four times a week for a good portion of the day but when I head back to Honiton, because I didn't speak to anybody properly - it left me with not a lot of people to talk to. Without sounding too dramatic, my social life kinda dried up a little. Added to the fact people were turning 18 and going to the pub and because of this, parties dried up meant lack of knowing too many people to hang out with. All of this brings me back to my original point, that chorus is so true to what I've become.

I sit at home complaining about how I've got nothing to do and feel a tad lonely, because I also believe we're not supposed to be alone, why would we enjoy others company if we were meant to be individuals. The knock of effect with that is large too, I've ended up becoming so used to be a recluse that even when people do invite me out, I've ended up just getting 'used to saying no" '. So, I shoot myself in the foot a little.

Even when the weather is blistering hot, I stay inside. Okay, probably for my own safety, after all, the sun hates gingers so we just burn anyway.. Plus, I don't handle heat too well and get frustrated easily, even over the smallest of things. Still, whenever I do drag myself out to do something (whether it's in the heat or not), I tend to really enjoy myself. It's odd because I think this at not being able to play football properly any more is also the reason why I've lost motivation for most things. Hmmm, interesting but whatever it is, it hasn't helped me. Lack of motivation equals one thing, weight gain and to a degree, loneliness.

In all honesty, I can continue relating to the chorus because I have only got myself to blame. Not the fact I made new friends but the fact I've become quite a bit of a hermit out of my own doing, I've had chances to go out and do stuff but instead, I've chosen to stay in on Facebook and Football Manager and be bored and then complain about it.

Finally, it tells me what to do and in all honesty, that song makes me wanna do it anyway.

If you haven't checked the song out, do it. It's a good song.

Lastly, recently I got moaned at for my lack of motivation and laziness. I then got told 'maybe a girlfriend might motivate you'. Initially, I thought 'yeah, cos I'm just gonna pull one of them out of my pocket'. But then I gave it some thought, maybe one did. When I was with my last girlfriend, I spent far more time being a better friend and a half decent boyfriend than sitting on loners club Football Manager.

Of course, I kinda got too wrapped up in the idea and realized I might jump into something that I don't wanna 100% do again.

So, too prevent this, in the words of Jesse Eisenberg when he is playing Mark Zuckerberg.. 'I need something to take my mind off of it, but I need an idea'.

Yes, I have my band so I'm writing lyrics and I have a new series I'm working on but it's all for personal satisfaction.

I need an idea..

Life's dysfunctional ways

Life works in it's weird ways.

There are certain things I just don't get.

Something I don't get is I think humans aren't supposed to be alone. There is a reason to why we like 'company' as such. I mean, don't get me wrong; I like my own company, I'm not one of those needy guys who just needs to with people all the time but it is cool to hang out with someone you don't always hang out with.

One thing I don't get is that if you the vibe off someone that you like them, my luck is that they live too far away or whatever, sometimes you miss things that are right under your nose.

Yes, I'm slightly drunk and it's a Thursday evening but it has kinda made me think about how sometimes how friends or a certain someone who might be someone you could get along with really well or could be really good for you but 'sods law' seems to kick you in the nuts, well me personally.

I need to get my mind off these things.. or her anyway.

A Year of Perfection

2010 to 2011, the best year of my life.

The last 10 months have been the most incredible months of my life, so far.

September 13th, 2010, I headed to Exeter College coming out of the most stressful and hateful period of my young life. Sheer brutality.

I remember turning up on time yet I was still one of the last people who arrived, I thought 'How the hell am I possibly late?', I looked at the time and realized everyone was just being an early bird.

I'm not going to sit here and explain every event that took place, I would be here forever but I am going to mention a few things.

Coming to Exeter College was easily a rebirth of myself. I came with three main targets to achieve; 1) Meet new people. 2) Do well in a course. 3) Have a fucking good time.

Did I achieve these three things? Far exceeded anything I could of expected or wanted. I'm not going to lie, I was apprehensive. Maybe I'd bigged it up too much in my head, I don't know. Initially, I did wonder how old everyone in the group was - I sort of looked around and was like 'seriously, how old are these people?'. After the first couple of days, I became mates with Jon Pearce first and then Chloe Bradshaw shortly after.

Eventually, as the first week and second week.. It's a massive learning curve with adjusting to new people but also seeing who you were most compatible with.

The group as a whole knitted really well once we were split into group 'A' and 'B'. We all seemed to be really enjoying meeting so many new people, I know I was anyway.

Over the last year, there has been the ups and downs but the downs were never anything too serious and would only ever last a day or two. Plus, nothing stays absolutely epic and perfect.

It was quite strange not really talking to the people I used to hang out with in school and sixth form at HCC but as much as I still love those guys, the new friends I had made sure there was no gap in how I was feeling.

People became a massive part of my life straight away, especially Jon, Chloe and Jade. We were pretty much the awesome-foursome at the beginning. It was so wicked when the 'awesome-foursome' got larger with Anna, Nick, Sam and Ryan started becoming really tight. That's not saying anything about the others in the group because even though the others didn't really hang out with us outside of college, we were just like one nutty family in the group.

Even as the year went on and things changed between me and people slightly, distanced from people and got closer with others never changed how good the year hard started. Yes, things had changed a little but I don't think any of us would say it completely ruined their year.

The new level of respect for teachers to students and students to teachers was something I wasn't really used to; Jess and Rachel weren't just our teachers, they were like fellow students with the way they could teach so well yet not be a total tight string that made us feel still like being in school.

The best way to do what I'm trying to achieve here is to not just talk about a year as a whole but as well, my other friends individually that have been so wicked through-out this whole year. Might seem a little cheesy but like I said last Friday, 'I'm actually gonna really miss this group' and with everyone shooting off doing their own thing, whether it's A Levels, or the Level 3 course or anything else. I do think I'll actually miss this group, a lot!

Jon 'Jonny P' Pearce - The first person I actually made good friends with at college, standing outside both on our phones. I stood next to him and said 'Do you actually know anyone here?', his response was the same as mine, definitely not. Jon's been an awesome friend all year, it's kinda weird because it feels like I've known Jon for a lot longer than a year. It's gonna suck when you go off to do whatever you do next year (I.T, I believe?) because me and you had such banter about everything, pissing each other off in class and generally getting moaned at for not doing anything.

Jade 'Lloyders' Lloyd - Jade's been wicked all year, she's what I would describe as 'the sister I never had' or just 'my little sister'. I love Jade and she's been mega supportive all year about a lot of things, I like to think I've been there for when things have been a bit shit. I knew who Jade was but had never spoken to her in my life despite going to the same school and being in the year below. Tight as fuck with Anna and when them two get on it, there's no stopping them. Catching the train together everyday also helped with a lot of things and I found her as mega trust-worthy. Oh, and hot.

Sam 'Gamjee' Murdoch - Arguably the biggest; douche, legend, stoner, comedian, etc, I've ever met. When I first met you and you had to draw the picture of me which ended up being a stick-man with an orange fuzz on his head, I thought.. 'What the actual fuck?'.. Nah, I kid, I just thought you were either blazed or Napoleon Dynamite in another persons body. Done nothing but taken the piss all year but also talked to him about things that Sam doesn't usually talk about. Got a lot in common with him but also enough stuff that's not in common, we can take the piss out of each other. Another mug I'm gonna miss when he goes off and does his thing.

Anna 'Pincatron' Pincombe - The wide eyed, Pandora type (for those who watched Skins). Anna to me was so strange when I met her because I couldn't help but think she was the boffin type (sorry!) but when I actually got to know her, I realized she was quite the opposite. Initially, the things we spoke about and things, I thought 'there is no way this person is who she's talking like', so much more than meets the eye with her. That's what's great, you don't know what's coming next; whether it's talking about things that are utterly serious to someone who seems to have a weird thing with Jelly Babies (or 'Tots'?) and Minstrels.

Chloe Bradshaw - Chloe for me is an odd one as the year went passed. As soon as I saw her, I was like 'she's the kind of person I would hang out with', bleeched hair, lip piercings and an awesome 'Famous Stars & Straps' t-shirt. I was so close with Chloe for the first few months and despite falling out in December and probably speaking about five times for the rest of the year, I don't want it to sound cheesy or anything but I had the sickest time being friends with you. Shit happens for a reason but to not talk about that, the first four to five months were just the coolest thing ever. I never met someone with such an awesome taste in music and into so much of the same things as me, (minus your hate for football haha!). Shame what happened but you were a big part of what happened for me this year.

Ryan Townsend - Looked like a bad ass from the moment he turned up, one day late that is. Him and Matty Rowe were hilarious. I have to admit, I clicked with Ryan straight away. Approachable was the easiest way to put it, massive bundle of laughs, many times sitting up in Northernhay in the sun and living college just like it should be haha! Also, when I went through so much when my dad came back from Afghan, Ryan was absolutely dynamite, asking how I was and how my dad was. Everyone did a massive part in that rough month, but arguably Ryan could be sitting in first place. Also, getting involved at the Bring Me The Horizon gig and got me moshing and picked me up when I got mauled over. Telling me not to get so down about it and stuff about my dad, proper friend. Doubt I'll see you too much after you leave which is gonna suuuuuck! But i'm sure we'll stay in contact.

Nick 'Biggles' Biggenden - I guess I can't say we've been the best of friends all year but our mutual love for Chelsea and Football Manager filled endless amounts of conversation. Also known as the 'top-dogs' of the group as we liked to call ourselves at the beginning of the year, turns out Terry Shapter pretty much stole our crown but who could blame him, we really weren't! Haha

Ellie Crowther - Mad, mad, mad. Oh, and tired! Ellie, you are rad. Always got something interesting to say, being a wicked friend to Pip and I also called you 'beautiful' at the beginning of the year when we first met.. Yeah, I accept I can't pull that off but you know! Loved your FMP and fully deserves an award and also loved the animation you did, also! Loved that sometimes it would look like you would just go into the world of your own.

Pip Pugsley - I never really got to know Pip that well but always said 'hello' in the morning when I got the early train in the morning at the beginning of the year. Always got a big, fat smile on your face and having a laugh with Ellie and Abbi.. And I think Joe? Correct me if I'm wrong. Came up with a wicked idea with the 'Dream' bar that I worked on with you and Terry.

Terry 'Terroriser' Shapter - I'm pretty sure Terry won't get to see this because he doesn't have facebook or anything but I thought you were awesome. Quiet and very reserved but once I got talking to you, especially in functional skills, you were always saying something funny and the best on was easily saying 'jeez, this lesson is taking ages, don't you think?' in functional skills, your response was simply impersonating putting a gun to your head and shooting. You really were the 'top dog' of the group.

Joe 'Fellow Ginger' Donovan - Opinionated and not afraid to disagree with someone just for the sake of making it easier. That might sound a bit disruptive but obviously I don't mean that. Things like talking about the Rupert Murdoch take over of BSkyB and pretty much disagreeing with the whole class pretty much took some stones. Also, your FMP was so clever and emotion filled yet with such simplicity. I also used to speak a lot to you in Functional Skills about numerous things, especially music and seeing you at the Bring Me The Horizon gig (along with a bunch of others), got a lot of respect for you.

Francis Ashley - Same as Pip, I never really got to know you that well. I did some filming with you at one point which was quite interesting and paying us all off with Subways, easy way to get someone to do something I guess. I thought your FMP was genius, it took the piss out of the one thing I love to slay. RAD.

Jake Hornbrook - I was better mates with you at the beginning of the year, you were loud so it was easier to approach you and you would always have something to talk about something so it never it got awkward which I find it can when you meet someone new, especially a whole group of people. Shame with what happened at the end of the year but I you make decisions for a reason and that was your thing you wanted to do.

For group 'B', unfortunately I can't write about you all or in too much depth because I didn't get to know too many of you but I'll do my best!

James 'Bacon' Lynn - James and Adam were pretty much a pair (he'll disagree but that's how we saw it), no pun intended. I have a lot of respect for James; could talk to him about serious stuff, joking stuff, football (or did I mention that in serious stuff?). Always fun spending the three hour Monday gap with, never a dull moment. Always up for a gig, listens to good music, honestly doesn't give a fuck about what people think of him and not afraid to anything that comes to him, whether it's a racist joke, a ginger joke, disagreeing with me, agreeing with me, telling me to pull my trousers up, whatever. Also, on the face of things (as he agreed), him and Tucker look the weirdest of couple until you get to know them, I stand by thinking they're the same person in two bodies. LAUGH. Weird because someone who has an outta shell like James, is actually classed as a very good friend of mine.

Adam 'Twat Face' Jacks - Definitely thought out of him and James, he was the football one and James would be the anti football one, 100% wrong. I think I became friends with Adam mainly through the interest of music and the fact I knew what his music taste was like because he was wearing a youmeatsix t-shirt and his hairstyle haha! Always took a massively keen interest in my band, from the moment I started there and because of that, actually ending up in the band. Real good lad, like James, always keen for a gig and new music. He loves the fact James hates that he is 'one of his best friends'.

James 'Jim' Hewlett - Jimbo, I always got the vibe from you that you seem to react to everything I said as if I was taking the piss out of you. By the way, I wasn't. I guess I didn't really know you too well but I heard a lot about you and were a class act in certain FMP films, by the way, LOVE the look you're pulling off in James' video. Quality.

Phil Marks - LOUD. LOUD. LOUD. Oh yeah, and a DJ. Awesome remix of the song 'Numb' by Linkin Park and always having a laugh about something or someone. 99.61% attendance you finished on, wasn't it? That sucks missing out on the 100% mark when it wasn't really your fault. Good luck in the stage engineer things next year.

Emily 'Ems' Ephraumes - I didn't know you that well in College but I did know you from Functional Skills and I actually have spoken to you on a few occasions, mainly about music because you're into a lot of the same bands as me, mega jealous you've seen All Time Low live but I also got you into futures. I hope the op went really well and you come back to nail the rest of the FMP stuff which I'm pretty sure you will.

Abbie Dicker - Abbie, you were cool. I actually spoke to you a lot in and out of the lessons, I spoke to you a lot in Functional Skills about some cool stuff and that lunch time where we sat in Vic House LRC talking about a load of stuff whilst on facebook. Hope everything is well with the baby!

For the rest of the people I didn't mention, I do apologize but I didn't know you that well and I'd rather not fill in with a one liner because that on my behalf looks a shoddy job and things so yeah!

Both tutors played a massive part in this year for me, in less that just college related things. Someone should get out the violin but it was sort of weird for me to have two people who actually believed I was pretty good at something outside of my family. I went through school sucking at pretty much most things except football so it was really rad to have two people who actually believed in me and what I was doing.

Rachel Creed - The most incredible tutor ever. With all due respect to my HCC tutor, Mr Maplesden, Rachel has been a world class star for me all year. Any shit that went down, I could speak to Rachel about, she believed that I was actually good at what I was doing but also acted as a friend when some stuff went on outside of college. Helped like a counsellor and a friend but also was ready to kick my ass for not doing something, all for my own good and hell, it's proved it come the end of this year. I have so much respect for Rachel for the way she's handled our talented but also disruptive at times class along with preparing to get married, what a trooper. I feel like I owe a lot to you and I just wanna say the worlds biggest 'thank you' for everything this year.

Jess Ogg - Not my primary tutor but also in the same boat as Rachel in many ways for me, the things that were said at parents evening and things was things I've never had anyone say about me before which was fucking awesome. Both Rachel and Jess would write me out lists of things to-do because of my bollocks remembering. Always able to have a laugh with you, especially the thing about reading the news paper and Rooney's hair transplant and also sharing many mutual views on things such as 9/11, etc. Often hear 'Zandie, get on with your work!' from Jess.

So, without any cheesyness or weirdness.. I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone for this year. As I said previously, this year far exceeded what I thought I could get from here. This was supposed to be a one year thing and then I'd leave, I never ever expected me to be staying on for another 2 years which I kind of think speaks for itself about how good this year was and meant to me, truly pulling me out of so much shit I was coming from, splitting up with my girlfriend during the year and also the really heavy emotional shit that I went through with my dad coming back from Afghan.

Finally, good luck to absolutely everyone for what they're moving on to next in their lives and hope everyone stays well.

Zandie x

Pessimism, Optimism and 'Lost Boy'

Last Sunday I was perched against the wash table as the machine was on washing the load I just put through.

I was tired. Very tired. I had gone to bed at 3am and thought 'I don't have to start to 11, I'll catch up on having a good sleep up through till half 9, 10ish'. Of course, I wasn't expecting to be wide awake after 3 and a half hours sleep, 6.30 on a Sunday morning and preparing for a 7 and a half hour day of relentless running backwards and forwards and generally being shat on my customers who are not satisfied with some crap.

I stood there thinking about how I regret staying up till that time but also how pessimistic my thoughts were. I usually have horribly pessimistic or bad thoughts because of my OCD but tiredness took it to an all time low. I couldn't help but thinking 'when I sign off from college, my life is going to come to a stagnant halt again'. For some reason, I couldn't get my head around the fact I was going back next year, tiredness clearly wanted to work with my OCD to make ultimate pessimism.

It's safe to say I was having a 'mare of a day, I was stressed because I was tired and I was tired because I was being stupid going to bed so late.

This may seem a little trivial but all of a sudden when my chips were down, I remember how good this year has been to me at college. So the good times took another turn.

FMP night, everyone's final project was to be viewed at the college theatre and my 16 minute film 'Lost Boy' was last on the bill. Once it had gone, I literally couldn't believe the response I got. Some of you may be looking at this as me bragging but truly, it's not. I'm not here to brag about the response I got from everyone. I'm here to simply say that I did and after so much hard work and put my heart and soul into it, I'm surely allowed to revel in all this a little. Facebook statuses, texts, Facebook comments and people coming up on chat praising it and the massive round of applause at the end. Absolutely unreal. Hands down the best thing I've created in my life, so far!

If you are curious to what 'Lost Boy' is, a brief description is that it's dedicated to the Skins writers in series 2 with the Tony Stonem story line of him rebuilding his life. So I created my own version. Not the same story line or anything like that, just a boy who's coming back from a massive head injury and is rebuilding his life and there's a romantic element to it which keeps things quite interesting.

I started the script way before deciding to actually create it for my media work. I get ideas and I just have to put them down, if I don't, I'll probably just explode. So, it was something I was working on and it was coming on nicely before I would of saved it to my hard-drive and never come back to it before moving on to something else.

When the opportunity came up with the chance of being able to create it, I chose the idea and decided to really lock into it. Initially, I was quietly very worried. When writing this script, I saw it in my head as I wrote it. Nicholas Hoult was the lead character with Kathryn Prescott playing the other co-lead character. It sure looked great in my head but with me, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to create this because I thought, 'if this turns out rough and generally crap', it will completely ruin the vision I had in my head of it and would be a constant reminder of how crap the script actually became.

Eventually time was moving on and I realised that I had to run with this idea, it was too late to change idea. I think the fact that I now had to do it, I seem to just go into this zone to what I had to do, it was the weirdest thing in the world because I've always been so self critical about how I'm not very good at anything, especially recently I've been having a bit of a melt down with it in my head.

Anyway, straight away it was getting a cast and crew, getting the right equipment and having a solid script that I could really run by. Straight away, I got Alex Gocher in as a camera man, someone I could trust and could understand my ideas and general ways. So after that, I decided to put myself as the lead character as Josh.

Chloe Solman, was an absolute no brainer for the character of Megan. Acting experience was the key, she was good at acting and with being good at acting, it allowed me and Jade who are far less experienced to bounce off of her performance. Generally had it all; experience, looked right for the part, sexy (as it seems to be one of the most things in films and TV shows these days) and overall, fucking good at what she does.

Next up was having someone to play the role of Jess, Josh's little sister. I had a little trouble deciding who to play the role, I'm very picky with how I want things (typical producer/director) but it turns out the answer was right in front of my eyes; Jade Lloyd. I always kinda see Jade as my little sister in real life anyway, or 'the sister I never had' so with that in mind, it was obvious Jade was who I wanted for the part.

Eric was an interesting character, very much a cameo appearance in the film but vital to the story line. The best friend who never showed up when Josh needed him the most, it turns out it wasn't that he was a bad friend, there was more too it. Eric was a character written into it when writing the script hit a dead point. I was reluctant to add another character because I knew that would involve having to find someone else for the part. Alex Gocher has always kind of struck me as someone who's like Sid in Skins, the way he looks, the way he acts, etc. I asked Gocher who had no acting experience to do the job and he reluctantly agreed and did a very good job in the end.

I won't go into every detail with things that happened on set but what I can say is that when it first started, we were all very nervous with how this was going to pan out. It took a while getting used to each other, being in front of a camera and generally everything. Eventually, the scenes were nailed and we moved onto the next day of filming.

It was such an experience this whole thing. Being on set, acting, directing, etc. Incredible. Eventually things became really comfortable and scenes were being nailed and generally having such a good time but without disrupting the whole thing.

Editing was awesome, seriously, it's usually something I can't stand but it was honestly one of the coolest things I did. Cutting up and piecing it together and making this script and series of shots into the film I had pictured. When it came to an end, I was kind of sad the whole experience was over because I had gotten into it so much and literally loved every single moment with it, I didn't want it to be finished. Of course, the end product certainly wasn't a let down. The fact it looked so good, it had far exceeded what I could even think I could do. Weirdest thing in the world seeing something you could sort of see in your head sitting there right in front of you.

FMP night rolled in and with my film closing the night and the response I got just blew me away with having my cast and crew and family there, and then today, I got told that it was nominated alongside all level 2's (which is me), level 3's and A level students. 'Best Moving Pictures Sequence' is what I'm up for. It's so awesome even to be nominated, if I don't win, I don't win but to even be nominated is incredible. I shall indeed be letting you know what the outcome is and I shall try and get it on the internet somehow.

Pessimism to an all time high of optimism in the space of a week is rad.

The Beatles; best band ever to live or first of a kind?

The Beatles.

A band who creates hundreds of songs that drove millions of people into craziness of loving their music. Within these four very talented men; they made millions of pounds through their ability to release a lot of albums in a short space of time, tour like crazy and generally lead hell of a life through this.

I'm NOT going to rant on too much about all of this because I don't know a HUGE amount about The Beatles (like one of my best mates, Lewis Salter) but I was talking to my ridiculously stubborn brother and seeing huge amounts of online forums who claims The Beatles are the 'best band to ever be around'.

Facts and statics prove that they were in fact probably the most loved band and easily the most successful band that has ever lived. The dealio I'm taking with this is that I'm not sure whether they can be claimed as the 'best' band to ever live. I have nothing at all against The Beatles (before any of you haters say! I like many of their songs) whatsoever but I don't think this can possibly be true because the advancement in technology, sounds, genres etc etc. I can totally understand why people loved them or still love them but I think for a band these days to release the amount of songs that The Beatles did these days is virtually impossible because of money, time, other commitments, competitors in the industry, etc etc. This brings me to my title, The Beatles were (NOT the 'ONLY') one of the first of their kind and I think this gave them a natural advantage over many bands these days. The Beatles made so much money and popularity off being one of the first bands of their kind (and don't get me wrong, being talented also). These days competition for being the 'best' band is now impossible because the amount of genres and in general, the amount of bands that are actually out there.

The thing I have against the opinion of The Beatles being the 'best' band to ever been out there is with the advancement of music. What I mean by this is that obviously music has developed and gotten better through growing which makes music itself a lot better in technical terms, (I'm NOT saying you have to like it more because music has grown). I'm not going to go on acting like I know everything about music, because I certainly don't, in fact, I don't know a HUGE amount about music, instruments, industry, etc, but I'm always learning new things. I'm looking at it from a general perspective. For example; Windows 7 is better than XP because it's newer, it has more features, it's grown, blah blah. That is fact but opinion has a say for what YOU personally want to use. Some people may love XP because they know it which is totally fair enough but as things grow, they become technically far more advanced opening up other avenues of things to go (or there would be no point in growing, right?!).

I think if you look at The Beatles music and then you look at music now and the amount you can now do more with guitars, drums and adding other things such as not just basic keyboards and pianos but things like synthesizers (and loads more), a lot more is now available to allow music to become bigger, larger and if you want to put it that way - 'better'. The Beatles had undoubted talent, I can promise you that I'm not attempting to tarnish The Beatles abilities but I think claiming that they're the 'best' band to ever live surely can't be right because of what is now available and do-able with instruments, computers, live performances etc. Yes, I do accept it comes down to personal opinions, of course. Some people prefer older things despite not being 'as advanced' but I think the key word in saying they were the 'best' band to ever live is 'best'. 'Best' is like saying the new Adidas football boots are better than the previous ones that were released (not opinion). If someone were to say to me 'I think The Beatles are my favourite band to ever live', then okay because that's fair enough, each and every person has a right to their opinion and so they should and you can't argue with something like that. It's not your right and you can't chose what other people want/like.

Overall, I think people claiming that they're the 'best' band to ever live doesn't add up because there are many bands who could come up with songs that are equally as good.. 'Quality' wise, anyway. I'm not saying it could be as popular or pulled off in the same way because without a shadow of a doubt that it wouldn't be as popular or pulled off in the same way but you see many, many bands who have arguably pulled off albums that include a lot wider range of how instruments are (or can be) played and different instruments that have been included.

Finally, just to reiterate so I don't piss people off or they get annoyed with me; I'm not trying to tarnish what The Beatles achieved or anything like that. Just simply as things grow and develop, they become more advanced resulting in being able to do something even better than before. I'm NOT saying you have to like it more just because it's advanced).

Exciting times ahead but coming to the end of a year I will never forget, no matter how long I live.

I haven't blogged in a long time and I think it's about time to speak to you all again.

To be honest, I have a fairly good reason to why I haven't blogged. My life has been going a million miles an hour with things going passed me without even noticing.

On the face of things, this seems like a bad thing but it's all been incredible.

A few things that have been going on is as I've mentioned many times on this blog is my band. I'm not going to lie, I haven't shown what I've promised.. Yet. This idea has now changed in a way that allows us to achieve what we need. This, is what I call the 'HOPE' project. 'HOPE' is something that I truly believe in, I want it to say everything about what has happened over the last year. I promise that if you hold on to my word, me and the guys WILL deliver this E.P. and our debut show. With time being such an issue, when we're together we want to make it the very best thing so when it comes out, I can basically say to everyone who has questioned us that this it and we're actually very serious about it.

Secondly, I'm embarking on probably the biggest thing that's come from a simple idea to a full blown production. 'Lost Boy' was an idea that popped to my head after being hugely influenced by the Skins series 2 Tony Stonem's storyline. I began writing a script just to get this idea on paper. College FMP began and I had ideas coming to my head, including a proper film blitzed with a music video and a rockumentary on my band, taking influence from Start The Machine. Eventually, I got told that I could make a short film from a script I was writing. Firstly, the idea seemed too big and I was worried that I could never achieve it due to time, money and many other constraints. After I drafted a few ideas, I finally snapped into my usual mind frame of when I want something bad enough and lock into a task, I can get it done. So, I began seriously writing up these ideas and after about 3 weeks of planning, endless storyboarding, script re-writes, character designs, casting, crew, etc.. Finally, things are now all systems go, beginning on Thursday and will be spending three FULL days shooting things, multi camera'ed and having an assistant director to this project in Alex Gocher, also my guitarist and to a degree my sounding board for any project that I embark on.. He knows I'm crazy so when I put an idea across to him, Gocher is used to hearing it from being a small idea and helping me grow it into a full idea.

Filming begins Thursday and it's being treated very much like how a real show, movie, anything is put on. Sets, microphones, camera's, etc. I get to work with Alex Gocher who makes a brief cameo appearance and get to act with Jade Lloyd and Chloe Solman. I look forward to working with these guys but even after the three full days of filming and working together, it's still far from over with post production. I literally cannot wait to show everyone because this isn't just a script that I roughed up together, it's something that really means to me and I put my heart into writing it. I really hope it can come out how I want it to in my head and I'll do everything I can in my power to allow me to produce it to it's full potential.

As the title suggests, it feels like only yesterday I was coming out of this shit hole period in my life and walking into my new life at college. Absolutely rad. This whole year has gone incredibly quick and I've achieved everything I wanted to; meet new people, draw on my new blank canvas, do something I genuinely love doing and have a complete new surroundings. I achieved this all which is the most amazing feeling ever (which is all related to my bands 'HOPE' project). The downside is that I cannot believe that it's almost over. I'm not afraid to admit that during this group of people in my media class I've become attached to and it's gonna be a huge downer when a lot of us go our own ways. I mean people are jumping up on to the level 3 course, including myself now but we're such a tight group, in some aspects it's a massive downer that we're moving on.

I went to my interview yesterday and I was sitting in the same corridor that I was sitting in before my first interview, I was so nervous and I felt so apprehensive but this time, I couldn't help to feel like I did when I first started.. Only less nervous. It's hard to explain but I do know that I'm gonna miss this bunch of friends because having the one full-time course, you are ALWAYS with them.. There's only a couple of hours in a college week where you're not with them so without sounding too cheesy, they become really like a second family.

Still look forward to looking onwards but I sure will miss these guys, not seeing them on a daily basis. Anyway, blahhh blahhh! x

We call them best friends, yet we stab them in the back.

The title of this blog is a lyric, but it's also very true.

It's a strange one because it comes from a youthful band that lyrically speaks about a lot of the ages of 16 to 19. It's weird because at the moment, it's so true about my current life. I suppose it's true what people say when they say that friendship is like paper, once its creased up, you can never get it back to how it was. No matter how hard you try, it doesn't work. You can make it passable, you can get it to a point where it shouldn't happen again but it's never the same. Yes, I've realised this before but sometimes when you want it to be back to how it was, it becomes so frustrating with trying to sort it.

I'm currently in a position where everything feels so false, because when we hang out - it's normal but it's like stepping on eggshells. At any chance, they'll fuck me over and I know it's a case of people 'changing' but I know it's that, I'd be hypocrite if I said people don't change because I have. It's always going to be different when someone changes but when it feels like they're purposely out to rub something in your face or purposely do something without you and just pass it off. It's like a giant middle finger to your past and your 'friendship'.

I'm very happy with life right now, I'm in a sweet place where I feel pretty victorious or some shit where I think I can do anything (not literally, but attitude wise) but things like this is where you think 'what's the point in getting out of your way to achieve putting someone down?'. It gets to a point where you have to prioritise your friends and think actually who your friends are, certain people you can't help wanting to be best friends with because no matter how hard you try, they're still the kinda people you want to be around or grew up with or some shit.

How to resolve all this? Well, the answer is clear which is to make an effort to see them. The case I'm talking about is slightly more difficult than just to do that, I'm not going to say what that is but ask me personally if you REALLY wish to know, which you probably won't but yeah!

x

Saturday nights

I'm torn!

I have definitely two types of Saturday nights..

In one hand, I have my go out with a group of friends to a party, get nice and drunk and have a quality time seeing people I don't usually see or meeting new people. Proper good night out where I get up the next day feeling either awful or I've remembered to do my regular routine when getting home (drinking 2 pints of juice to fully hydrate myself) and then just having a dodgy gut. All in all, good times.

On the other hand, I have my much more mellow nights. Sit in, not drinking, watching football and chilling out playing a few games, chatting to people on Xbox and generally having a really neutral night, waking up at a good time and feeling good for work the next day. All in all, good times.

Which of these do I prefer? Neither.

This isn't just because they are both so awesome, I don't mind going out and getting sloshed and I don't mind staying in and having a sober night.

It's because I hate it when either of these nights go wrong, you end up just wishing you were doing the other thing.

In general, neither of these do go wrong, they tend to go off without a hitch and it turns out to be a good night. You may think it's over the top, but sometimes both of these occasions can go wrong and I literally hate it.

The drunken nights out, you don't need to be Einstein to work out what could go wrong; police, gate crashed parties, scrapping with someone or even worse. Some people live on these kind of nights, the unexpected which I do also love but it's when they go over the top and you end up feeling like shit because it's not panned out right. That, equals a waste of a night.

The less obvious ones is for my more chill nights, they can go horribly wrong although you wouldn't think it off the top of your head. The things that can go wrong is when nobody's on the Xbox to talk to and you can't be arsed to sit and play it on your own or when some how everybody is out doing something and you're stuck inside, mainly because you sit and sort of stew on the fact you're not doing anything and think of the people who are. You end up sitting there thinking 'I could do something productive like coursework' but then you remember it's Saturday night and no matter how crap Saturday nights are, you just don't do coursework. For instance, tonight is a night that has clearly gone wrong.. I'm sitting in blogging about this, I'm not currently having the eagerness I usually do whilst blogging because I know everyone's out doing things and I'm just sitting here in what could be the most boring ass game I've ever watched, I felt it would be more seeing as it was Man City and Aston Villa.

Negative Zandie. Negative.

Personal Update

Hey guys!

This isn't really a rant or rave about something, I just wanted to let you know what interesting project(s) I'm getting involved in.

Firstly, as you know because I'm always talking about it is my band. This is on a sort of 'hiatus' thing right now because we're all concentrating on college and obviously this time of year is vital in all college courses so we're taking a short break from writing (which you may not believe because you haven't heard anything right now) which actually is coming on really well, some really good lyrics coming through and really nice guitar riffs.

This brings me on to our other reason, we think it's pointless sort of bragging and raving about our band when we haven't got any where to practice right now so we're all working individually which is good but it becomes a bit boring after a while because you can't really put anything to action, you just share ideas. This made me decide to transform my garage into a rehearsal space for the band. This in itself a 'project' because it's massive, the mess is unbelievable in there, more like a bomb site but we're all getting stuck in to completely transform it because the pay off is huge, a regular place to practice and perhaps even record. This will be taking place during February, due to money constraints before the 4th of February (AvA gig in London).

Next - a passion that's come through in the last two years is directing and acting but I haven't really got a huge amount of equipment to use but I have some basic gear to be familiar with so I've decided to put wheels into motion on creating music videos that don't involve the band but they tell a story in line with the lyrics and instrumentals. I don't know if you have seen, but I made that 27 second clip of blink-182's 'I Miss You' which was a really short video that took me an hour to shoot and put together. Nothing too technical but it was pretty cool and I was kinda proud of it because it was nicely edited together and with the music etc.

These won't 27 second clips though, they will be stories that at times are emotionally deep but also not boring and depressing. This will be taking off straight away and I will be putting them on my YouTube channel 'ZandieTV' and I will be setting up an individual facebook page up so you can keep up to date with some of the stuff I'm shooting. Due to the lack of really good equipment I have, this isn't going to blow you away BUT because I love doing it so much, I'm going to make it the best I possibly can with what I've got so I would always say that do expect something pretty good because I'm not going to be uploading any shit, I'll hopefully perfect each video before uploading. Any support on that would be quality; acting roles, song recommendations, ideas, camera angles, get fully involved because this isn't just a project that I will be doing alone. I've already got a song in the pipeline that I've started drawing ideas up for which I hopefully, if things go to plan, shoot on Tuesday evening. I will probably be acting in it and will be getting a female actor and helping direct and shoot the video will be my best friend, Matt Urquhart.

I'll keep you updated with that if you're interested.

Cheers x

Spoilt brats.

Time for a good old fashion rant.

I've recently been noticing people on facebook (and twitter) going crazy about how much of a wanker the parents are. This personally drives me up the wall so much, I literally cannot stand some of the stuff people write and then you see in the comments section that it becomes the lamest excuse of a reason to call their own parents 'wankers' or siblings.

I would just like to say before anyone has a moan at me is I do accept some people have problems with their parents and some genuinely do 'hate' them because some families can be messed up to beyond belief so please excuse yourself from this rant. I also exclude someone I know who's parents are so strict, she may as well not have a life.

It's the people who have a totally normal life but can't stand not getting their way, I know some parents are strict but don't you find that these sorts of people come out really well? Go on to lead quality lives, make lots of money, meet someone and start a family. They do well. Before you say, I'm totally for children, teenagers and young adults for living their life, my parents for one are strict but also have a lot of give so I can go out where I want, go to places the other side of the country and generally go out and have a good time at parties and things but at the same time they have some strictness with things such as behaviour because my siblings and I don't get away with a huge amount if we're slacking or being a prick or causing trouble.

I can understand when it's frustrating but you see some people saying things like 'I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT' - yeah, okay, you're 15. It's gonna be fucking years yet, grow a dick (or a pair of tits). It's the concept that ignorant teenagers who completely forget that they have a roof over their head, hot meals and lunch every day that take it totally for granted. I'm not perfect, there are certain things I've done where I've completely taken what I've got for granted and fucked off and done what I want, but I have never once said 'I HATE MY PARENTS' or some shit because I'm always now concious of what they have done and giving a little back is the least you can do and if something were to happen, e.g. god forbid but one of your parents died, I know for a fact you'd feel lost and hurt substantially.

I also accept that people don't often get on with their parents, heck, this year I didn't talk to my mum for ages when everything was happened and yes, I disliked her but I never ever said I hated her and I wanted her to 'fuck off' or 'die' because at the back of mind (no word of a lie), I appreciate what they've done and what they're currently doing under completely different circumstances to say what, 2 years ago. I've also had several arguments with my dad this year and I've never once done this. I would also like to point out that this certain blog post isn't trying to justify that I'm perfect because I'm far from it. I'm simply sick of people taking it totally for granted.

ANYWAY. Done!

Cheeeeers ears. x

2011

Last night's new years party was tiny compared to last years carnage but I thoroughly enjoyed it for a few reasons; seeing people who are close but haven't seen in a while, couple of newer people in my life and genuinely enjoyed the way I/we rolled into the new year. It was a cool night and thanks to the people who came.

New years resolutions are usually naff things that nobody ever holds to and because of that, I never actually do them. This year, I actually set one which is to cut the bad diet and get back in the gym from February. The reason for it being Feb not Jan is because I've got the Angels & Airwaves gig in London and there is a bunch of things I need to pay for.

I have set more targets I'd like to achieve for this year though, I want to finish my college course with a good result, merit or distinction, I want to get my band back on track and I also intend on sorting out my garage and turning it into an area where my band can practice, record etc, bit of a monster job but if I'm dedicated to it, it's do-able, I also want to decide whether I'm going to continue something in college or go into full-time work. In the summer of 2012, I have plans with Matt Urquhart to spend 6 weeks in California so I'd love to start getting money for that. I also want to achieve more with directing and acting this year, I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to do it yet but I hopefully can follow that through, it's a passion that is growing on me more and more with everyday.

I intend on stepping out a little more this year, nothing too dramatic but just experimenting with life a little more and taking more chances, yes, I will have bad times this year but that's the same as every year but I want to do everything I can to make sure this year goes well.

Hope you had a good new years party or whatever you did.

Cheeeeeeeers x