Reckless

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

It's all I do. Someone says something, SNAP!

I'm hanging on to every word people say, I've always been like it but it's worse at the moment and it's causing me to be reckless with everything I do. I have to admit, I fear that the way I'm acting at the moment is gonna sabotage everything I have.

Not gonna lie, I feel like I'm a constant man period and it's fucking annoying. I feel a little unsettled and lost, and I know I'm not the only one.

I don't know if I'm misjudging situations, reading into things that aren't there or in general being stupid. The worst part is, I'm aware of me thinking I could be wrong and it's frustrating because I still can't think that and then think 'Oh I'm just being stupid', because I continue to question things. I read something recently, 'Secrets don't always destroy things.. Suspicion does'. That is so true, and I hate that I feel like that.

Anyway, I need to sort this out or I can kiss goodbye to all the good things in my life.

Well I Guess This Is Growing Up..

Sitting on Facebook earlier, I started feeling really nostalgic while looking at all the people I went to school with and what they're doing now. Okay, I'm not going to talk like we're all thirty and off with jobs and families but even two years on; everyone is in completely different positions, locations and situations.

So many people I used to hang out with everyday at school or at parties and things are the people I never see any more. It's sort of a sad thought really but then at the same time, it was inevitable but it's funny how when you're back in year eleven and prior to that, you never think this will happen.

People I used to be friends with in school have moved to different parts of the country to go to university and some people are just generally working and aren't really about to be seen these days. What's weird is I can remember sitting in shitty assemblies with Mr Williams talking about crap that nobody could really give a shit about and looking about as we were all wearing our uniforms and not even thinking about uni and things, I remember those 'days' like it was yesterday.

To be fair, some people are still in sixth form but just because they're still there, they're almost like completely different people, literally strangers to what I used to know them. Even people I see around college who I used to go to school with are just completely different people now. Even myself, okay, I'm technically two years behind everyone but I'm totally different because I've finally sorted myself out, like the other people I used to be good friends with when they first went into sixth form. It's a wicked place to be, even if I'm two years behind.

I was on Twitter and noticed a couple of my friends who for the life of me, could never imagine driving both driving. It's insane. Those guys driving is so far away from when we used to hang out playing football in year ten and eleven.

Aside from that, everyone's social groups seems different. When you're in school, you're surrounded by large amounts of people but when you go passed year eleven, it seems you narrow it down to certain people. A lot of the time it's the same people who previously hung out with, but it's only one or two people from the actual group you see very often. It's quite cool really, because I always think that you can know so many people but the people you can fully trust and things, you can count on your fingers, even if you have seven hundred odd facebook friends. From another angle, I also think it's really interesting to see who people actually end up mainly being with, and a lot of the time, it's not even a case of "shows how good of a friend they were", it's just growing up. You never see adults hanging out with a huge amounts of people, they might know a lot of people but only really see certain people and I think that's already happening to people my age, I guess I didn't see it happening this early but I suppose you never really can predict when it'll happen because you haven't lived a life previously to know.

I think it's quite funny how I've ended up talking to a lot of people I never imagined myself talking to ages ago more than I do to people I used to hang around with. I know when you get older, you're passion for things becomes a lot more narrower. When you're younger, you sort of love everything but as you begin to leave your 'school years', your interests just sort of narrow down and then you end up being far more compatible with people who share the same interests.

I guess I kinda find it a little sad, though. When you see people you used to be so close with and now when you see them, they feel like strangers. Most recently, I've seen Patrick Feeney a couple of times, I used to have such a fucking time with him and now I barely see him, fortunately, in this case, it wasn't awkward at all and we spoke like we never had not hung out, although there was a lot of 'catch-up' talk, not just general goings on talk. But I know other cases where you see people and you may say hello but that's it, and in all honestly, I find it more awkward when it's just hello.

For the position I find myself in now, I'm very happy with the kinda way my social scenery is. Sure, I'd love to have more parties and things and I'm sure things like that will pop back up now I'm back at college, but from day-to-day, I consider my best mates to be; Matty Urquhart, James Lynn, Adam White, Anna Pincombe, Hal Dimond and Adam Jacks. I definitely still include Lewis and Gocher still in there, of course, they're like my brothers but I just don't see them much any more which is a real shame so naturally, it makes us grow apart but I still love those guys.

I've also noticed the way I personally feel on relationships with people that they become ever so strong, yet so fragile. I think whether it's a girlfriend/boyfriend or a very close friendship, I think things can be very strong but also has a fragile edge to it, especially if you have left education altogether because you're left with a couple of close friends and because a lot of the time, they are your close friends and you don't have a huge amount more (compared to when you were at school) so the friendship can become a little 'tedious' at times and things can just spiral and cause tension.

It's the same in relationships, I find relationships as you get older become mature but yet fragile too, I think naturally you see each other differently and act differently which makes things a lot different to when you're in education. If you see too much of each other, things become shakey and can brake and you can also have problems with work and things so you might not see each other as much which again makes things shakey.

It's amazing how much can change in just two and a bit years. I guess this is growing up..

Crash

I feel like I'm falling.

I'm burning bridges.

I'm pushing people away.

I'm self destructing.

I can't shake off the feeling of failure.

I can't shake off the fact I'm worrying about everything.

I feel like I'm pushing away the girl I'm falling in love with.

I feel like I want to be alone, yet when I'm alone, I hate it.

I feel like I'm so fucking jealous of everything.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

I feel pretty useless most of the time.
I feel like I'm not very good at anything.

I feel I'm close to falling into what happened in early 2010.

I'm feeling angry.

I feel lonely.

I feel paranoid.

I feel I'm judged upon appearance and not personality.

I feel like I'm biting my tongue.

I feel my moods are fucking with the people around me.

I'm nervous.

I'm panicking.

I'm acting reckless.

I'm self involved.

I can't stop focusing on negatives.

I don't see positives.

I hang on to every bad word that's said.

I need someone to talk to.

Why? I don't know.

'So wrong to say, that I feel this way'

Recently, as you may have seen with previous blog posts, I've seemed a little different.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been full of self doubt and criticising a lot about myself. Before you think 'here we go again', I'm not talking like I was at the beginning of 2010.. Not even close to that, in fact, not even in the same category.

I guess over the last couple of months, my life has slowly come to a hault in what I'm doing. The thing is, my mind I feel becomes stagnant when I'm not doing anything. A lot of people are similar and I get particularly bad when I'm like it, especially when I've come out of such a hectic and incredible year at college. Yes, I'm going back next year so not all's bad but I do need certain projects to keep me from becoming a little stale. I'm not going to love everything at college, units wise, but generally it will keep me going.

I have to be doing something that physically, without sounding like a depressive, makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I feel at this very moment in time, I don't have much going on. I spend a lot of time doing nothing and the worst part is, I'm by myself. I'm not going to lie, I like my own company very much, I almost feel totally free when I'm on my own but I do miss social interaction when I haven't seen someone in a few days. In fact, after not seeing anyone properly for 4 or more days, I actually feel as if my mind struggles. I was looking into the film 'LOVE' that has been all done through Angels & Airwaves (my idols) and it made me realize a few things. One of the main themes in the film are about human interaction and it goes into certain things like what you would do and how you'd cope without it along with many other things. It made me realize, if I hadn't already before, that human and/or social interaction pretty much makes you survive, keeps you sane, forms your personality. It might seem like an obvious thing but I guess I've never really had a problem with not having social interaction like pretty much the vast majority of population in a way that really effects me and most people.

But over the last couple of months, college was ending and has no ended and in all honesty, I don't see a lot of people. As I said previously, it's not such a problem a lot of the time but after a while, I struggle with coping with it. I have a need to see people and interact. I do know many people who will meet others when they're asked too but can see many, many people who at the same time, their family is enough social interaction and can sit inside doing their own thing quite happily for long lengths on end. I can never see myself like that, it's not that I have a problem with my family at all, it's this constant need to see people and do something.

The reason I say this is because my social interaction becomes a less of a need when I'm 100% focused on a project, for example, my film, I could spend a lot of time with people I needed to and then wouldn't have to see people for days on end, if I did then great but I didn't actually need to. The truth is, I haven't got a project that is 100% focusing me right now.

Okay, so I have my band which has gone through a complete turnover in the last month including two of them leaving and one joining and it's quite odd. It's a good odd but I'm not used to it and I think it does great things for me, it allows me to express myself in a way that I don't feel cheesy or feel as if it damages my pride and it's really rad. It does have it's downside though, as I mentioned at the top with the lack of self confidence it's effecting the way I write, the way I sing and they were I act around the other guys. I've never been great at singing but I've always loved doing it and I've always loved writing lyrics which I think lead me to singing but I'm not sure whether it's my lack of confidence right now but I'm constantly criticizing myself, like, to a new level. My singing was completely off during practice and to be honest, I seriously hate making excuses for the fact that I'm not very good at something but it was particularly off at practice I think because of two things, I've had a sore throat for the past week and I was incredibly nervous of singing in front of our new drummer, especially because of the fact that I'm not very good.

It's effecting the way I write as well, I have written one decent song in the last 3 to 4 months and it's been a nightmare. Previously, lyrics would seem to just fall out of my head and on to paper but at the moment, it's just not happening. It's not even the fact that I'm just trying too hard at it because I know that lyrics come to you, if you try, then you'll fail because you'll find yourself writing general crap and end up second guessing yourself and then it gets kinda boring and then you get frustrated because you just can't get anything down. I have a massive problem with what I can't seem to over come, I can't think how to sing lyrics and because I can't play guitar particularly well, I can't even write something in my own time and put words to it. It's something I've always struggled with since early last year when I decided I wanted to be in a band and my mind constantly lingers on it and it makes me criticize whether I can continue doing it and whether I'm cut out to do it.

One thing about me is that I've always been able to pull a mask on. I know people always claim they do but I find people who are constantly saying they are is bullshit. I say this now and it's the first time I've publicly said it. Yes, certain people know who I really am (if you want to put it that way?) and what I'm like and they love me for it and help me with things I fear and feel insecure about but I've always had this confidence that I could just pull on and actually use without people looking twice. I did it when I started college last year, I went to college acting like I had no problem in the world and I was this totally great and fun guy who could sort of do what I want. It worked, despite everything I had just walked out from. I'm not lying to everyone about who I am because I have the ability to do that, you see some people who act confident but you can see through it, people couldn't see through mine. That side of me helps, it allows me to make friends that I can learn to trust and things but it also allows the problem of when I have a 'weak moment', people might think 'what the fuck?' because people don't expect me to be like it.

I need to be working on something, I want to pour everything I have into my band and into making more films and videos. I don't think I'm particularly good at music but I do seriously want to get involved with it, I love what music has done for me which is the main reason, I look at the people who are involved in it and it's like, I want to be like them. Not for fame or glory or any of that bullshit and I mean that because I can be honest and say the simple reason to why I want to be like them, they're cool. And I'm talking from people right at the top like Tom DeLonge and Josh Franceschi who have fan bases and records to people who are in the local scene, a good friend of mine is quite a popular lad in the local music scene, Dan Guest but other than people I know pretty well directly, like Dan Broadley from The Deering and Ash Taylor formerly of We The Machines with Dan Guest n things. I guess it's kinda sad really but to a degree, I couldn't give a shit, I like their music and despite not knowing them as like a best mate, they're cool people who I would hang out with.

With my film making, it's different, I genuinely feel I'm good at something which for so long I've wanted. Yes, I'm young and have a lot to come and learn about but I'm surrounded in people who are good at things and I've always had this massive insecurity about never being really that good at anything but after creating 'Lost Boy' and it being a massive success at the show night and winning Best FMP (final major project) award, it made me feel like I'm good at something and it's something I want to press on with. It keeps me busy and allows me to create something in my own image that perhaps many other things don't, music does but as I've mentioned that I've been struggling with it recently so making films allows me to do it in another way. I've been working on something for the last week now, ideas wise, I've not got the equipment to do it until I go back to college but I do have an idea that I hope to put into action over the next few weeks to prepare it so I can immediately jump back into it when I go back to college before the work comes thick and fast. I would keep a serious eye on that, I won't tell you too much but it has a lot to do with what I've been talking about and how to come out of that. It's weird because it's like telling someone else who is in the exact same rut to get out of it. Strangely, it's like telling someone else how to do it but really, it's me that needs to tell it to allow me to hear it.

Strange.

'Haters Gonna Hate!'

I'm looking forward to college next year. It's going to be.. Interesting. It's something I'm caught in, I'm keen to move on and continue doing something that I'm good at but at the same time, the idea of being stuck in the 'college years' for so much longer is always nagging away at the back on mind. It shouldn't bother me but it does, which brings me on to my next point.

I guess I've never been too great at expressing feelings too well, so I tend to write them down. Like now, right now and many other occasions on here. It's a strange thing to how I use this blog, I mean, it's so public and I do share it on facebook (for 90%) of things. I was surprised that quite a few people read it which I mentioned before but I always thought that was rad but it also has it's benefits being public, mainly because I can put something on here and if people read it, they might understand why I might react to a certain situation.

What bugs me about it, is that I still have to put boundaries on here. For example, I still feel I have to write things on here to sort of please others, in a sense where I don't want to offend people. Then it occured to me that yes, I do write things on here that people may not agree with and share it on facebook, in some aspect, I can see why people would be peeved if I offended something or someone on here but also at the same time, it clicked to me, this is my space. Yes, I put it up on facebook but I certainly don't ask people to read it, I once got labelled as someone who writes a fuck load of shit on here to get attention which is completely wrong. I mean, as I said previously, if I wanted people to give me attention, I'd be like some other mugs on facebook that put depressive little statuses up about how they're upset and depressed. Okay, I've done this a couple of times but in my defence, have you seen the amount of statuses I put up? I probably have done it once every thousand times, like yesterday about having a down day about my vocals, don't get me wrong, I wasn't asking people to comment on saying 'oh no, just keep trying, you'll come good or something', it was simply putting it up there but then I kinda regretted it after, I couldn't help but feel so douchey after I posted it. On here though, I can post shit where I can write that because it's 100% optional to read it and I don't need people to comment shit stuff on it and if they do, it's their choice but a lot of the time I don't and I just get a 'like' for it, which is cool; it sorter shows people read it but also shows that they don't need to comment on it so I'm not looking for attention. Anyway, from now on, I'm gonna be writing shit on here that I couldn't give a fuck what people think of it. Whether they think I'm being a depressive, a wanker, egotistical, etc.. Because my answer to you is, if you want to think that about me after reading a blog post, then fine, but don't give me shit about it when it was 100% your choice to read it.

Finally for this part, I had to post that because I'm about to write some stuff that people might label or whatever in another post.

blink-182 - Up All Night

A momentous moment when KROQ played blink-182's eagerly anticipated new single 'Up All Night'.

Since the hiatus, nothing new has been played. No real teasers or anything but in my opinion, it was definitely worth the wait.

I was briefly skimming through blink's status and the comments they were receiving.. I definitely saw a lot of people who really liked the single, of course there were always going to be people who didn't like it but tbh, I really liked the single.

I felt it had elements of the old blink-182, Angels & Airwaves and Box Car Racer which for me is a really cool blend.

It seemed a tad heavier in my opinion, not a bad thing of course and it sounded more like a rock single than a punk single which I quite frankly, welcomed.

In some ways, I can see why people don't like the fact it comes across as something that AvA would release that would have something like 'feat. Mark Hoppus' or something but I also look at it as if this really was too Angels & Airwaves, I think Tom probably would have kept certain elements of it for AvA.

I guess when people say they don't like it because of the AvA element, I can see why but it's incredibly hard for me to agree with them because of my love for Angel & Airwaves makes it practically impossible to hate but aside from that, the facts are, it's not Angels & Airwaves.. It's blink-182, it'll be on the album and it's their latest single and I very much enjoyed the new track and can't wait to hear more new stuff and their whole album, in general.

Certain comments I simply can't stand are people who think it's not blink at all, because, well, it is. I don't know what some of these people are thinking, are they expecting them to release songs they've already released again? Some of these people speak like they're saying 'release Take Off Your Pants and Jacket'. These people make me think they're so stupid, they might actually be saying that and it's brutally painful to hear people say that because I think 'are you that stupid?'.

As for the electronic side that this song has, were people not expecting it? It comes back to them acting like they want previous albums to be released again. Tom uses electronics in Angels & Airwaves and there were certain electronic elements (such as keyboards) in +44's music and with Travis using electronics in his solo music and things, it's no real surprise this was added. Plus, so many bands do it these days which again is why I wasn't surprised.. So many bands start out with one sound where they stick too and don't explore other areas because for reasons that they chose, perhaps it was a money thing where they can't really afford to buy certain electronic gear or their genre doesn't particularly open up to that sort of thing and they want to stay true to the genre but you find as time goes on, band's do open up to adding some form of electronics/synthesizers, even deathcore bands such as Bring Me The Horizon, as they've grown, synths have been added, You Me At Six have added some synths, pretty much every band these days that are classed as 'big' and are featured a lot these days use it in some way or another.. Clearly people can't accept that.

Overall, in my opinion - rad song, can't wait to hear more, welcome back blink-182.

Sleep Patterns, Frank Turner and Friends

01:19am. I'm wide awake yet I pulled a long ass shift today.

I could be over-tired, but then again, my sleep pattern again is fucked.

Okay, so it's not the latest anybody has been awake, let alone me. There was times where I'd sit up on the Xbox or computer till 4 or 5am.. Kind of weird seeing the sun start peeking over the hills as I sit there totally engrossed in some game of either Command and Conquer, Football Manager or an Xbox game, like Battlefield or Call of Duty and talking to Adam White. Mind you, two summers ago I did watch a hell of a lot of baseball in Channel 5 until the bastards took it off. That didn't even start till like 1.30am. Good times, bed at 4am and wake up 1pm.

Of course, I am different now. I have this obsession that you waste half of your life sleeping so now I go to bed late and get up early. It doesn't do me any good some days, but at least my obsessive and compulsive brain knows I've got a good portion of the day done, even if it's just sitting around doing nothing really great with my day.

Which brings me on to my next point; Frank Turner - Reasons Not To Be An Idiot.

I love that song. Initially it was because I thought to myself, 'catchy, acoustic rock, good feel'. Then I was sitting there listening to the lyrics fully and realized that song actually speaks a lot about how my current life style is.

First verse:

'You're not as messed up as you think you are

Your self-absorption makes you messier

Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better

Deep down you're just like everybody else'

Straight away that seems to aim something right at me. Okay, so I don't think I'm exactly 'messed up' as such, I think I'm a little whacky but that's just me. But sometimes when you have your down days and you can't help but think to yourself about all the negative points to your life.

'Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better' - I agree with that more than anything, arguably. Sometimes when I'm having a shit day, I take 5 minutes to myself to chill the fuck out and I actually do feel a million times better.

Chorus:

'So why are you sat at home?

You're not designed to be alone

You just got used to saying "no"

So get up and get down and get outside

Cos it's a lovely sunny day

But you hide yourself away

You've only got yourself to blame

Get up and get down and get outside'

Okay, like I said, 'arguably'.. This really is my current lifestyle. Things have been kinda strange for me of late. It's topsy turvey.

I've got some great things going for me at the moment; yes, I'm a year out of sync for my age but I'm on the right track at college and finally doing something that I'm actually good at and I have a great bunch of friends, both the guys I met at college and the people I knew prior to college. My band has finally passed a huge block for ourselves recently, won't go into that too much and finally, I'm feeling more optimistic about things than I probably ever have.

The one thing about going to college that did effect me in a slightly negative way is when I moved on to meet new people and kinda cut a lot of people out of my life, it was the exact aim I wanted. The negative effect it had was that I became friends with a great bunch of people.. That didn't live in Honiton (except Jade).

So, going to college was in Exeter so I'd see everyone four times a week for a good portion of the day but when I head back to Honiton, because I didn't speak to anybody properly - it left me with not a lot of people to talk to. Without sounding too dramatic, my social life kinda dried up a little. Added to the fact people were turning 18 and going to the pub and because of this, parties dried up meant lack of knowing too many people to hang out with. All of this brings me back to my original point, that chorus is so true to what I've become.

I sit at home complaining about how I've got nothing to do and feel a tad lonely, because I also believe we're not supposed to be alone, why would we enjoy others company if we were meant to be individuals. The knock of effect with that is large too, I've ended up becoming so used to be a recluse that even when people do invite me out, I've ended up just getting 'used to saying no" '. So, I shoot myself in the foot a little.

Even when the weather is blistering hot, I stay inside. Okay, probably for my own safety, after all, the sun hates gingers so we just burn anyway.. Plus, I don't handle heat too well and get frustrated easily, even over the smallest of things. Still, whenever I do drag myself out to do something (whether it's in the heat or not), I tend to really enjoy myself. It's odd because I think this at not being able to play football properly any more is also the reason why I've lost motivation for most things. Hmmm, interesting but whatever it is, it hasn't helped me. Lack of motivation equals one thing, weight gain and to a degree, loneliness.

In all honesty, I can continue relating to the chorus because I have only got myself to blame. Not the fact I made new friends but the fact I've become quite a bit of a hermit out of my own doing, I've had chances to go out and do stuff but instead, I've chosen to stay in on Facebook and Football Manager and be bored and then complain about it.

Finally, it tells me what to do and in all honesty, that song makes me wanna do it anyway.

If you haven't checked the song out, do it. It's a good song.

Lastly, recently I got moaned at for my lack of motivation and laziness. I then got told 'maybe a girlfriend might motivate you'. Initially, I thought 'yeah, cos I'm just gonna pull one of them out of my pocket'. But then I gave it some thought, maybe one did. When I was with my last girlfriend, I spent far more time being a better friend and a half decent boyfriend than sitting on loners club Football Manager.

Of course, I kinda got too wrapped up in the idea and realized I might jump into something that I don't wanna 100% do again.

So, too prevent this, in the words of Jesse Eisenberg when he is playing Mark Zuckerberg.. 'I need something to take my mind off of it, but I need an idea'.

Yes, I have my band so I'm writing lyrics and I have a new series I'm working on but it's all for personal satisfaction.

I need an idea..