Merry Xmas!

Howdy!

Christmas is in like 4 days and I know many of us complain we're not exactly in the mood but either way, with all the stress that comes with it and me being someone else who's not in the xmas spirit, I'm still gonna wish you all an AWESOME xmas because apparently people read this and I love you for it so yeah, merry xmas in whatever circumstances.

Xmas is a weird little thing, you everything/anyone you've lost in life seems to come rushing back to your head and that's definitely hard for obvious reasons.. For me, this year's going to be different, it's the first since my parents split, my dad's in Afghan so he's not here and there are thousands of people who are the same. At the same time, all these things that come back to you to make you realise that you miss them doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's also a new start after xmas (technically new years but i'm not splitting hair) so just enjoy whatever you get and to sound a little cheesy, 'do it for them' and you'll think much more positively things and hopefully enjoy yourself.

Merry xmas, LOVE LOVE.

Half Mile Heights split.

Hey guys!
As Facebook says, my band Half Mile Heights has split and because we were in very early stages, we're not going to make a huge deal about it, so yeah!

There isn't much to it at all, it was a complete time issues. We're still all best friends and all that, we just didn't have the time to work together.

For the future, I want to start a new band at some point early in the new year. Lewis is thinking about a solo drum thing, Adam is setting up a new hardcore band and Gocher is going to concentrate on his producing and guitar course at college.

If anyone is interested in starting a band with me that already has serious ideas already brewing, speak to me and I'll tell you more about it and see if you're interested after hearing the ideas. Don't hold back :)

Cheers x

Lyrics..

'If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing - it's made me all who I am inside'
Angels & Airwaves - Rite Of Spring


I think this song is so true (like pretty much all songs by AvA).
Obviously there are going to be minor bits that you would change but if you really really think about it, would you actually change anything? Because, the majority of people love themselves in a non arrogant way and technically, everything you go through makes you the person you are. Would you change that? I know I wouldn't, more and more I think that everything I've been through just makes me the person I am now and I love this person so much more than my former self, it's like my former self was a stepping stone.

Also, second favourite lyric of the day and again, Angels & Airwaves..
'Do you feel like shine in the darkest of nights?'

Numbers game

23004 - you're awesome, my distant friend! Talk to you here n there, always coooool

10000000000000009 - you're an angry person, opinionated and again - ANGRY. Nahh, you're lovelyyyy though :) x

72 - had some wicked times with you and things these days are a lot better than what some people would have x

96 - equally my best friend, been there through numerous things and what we're setting out to achieve could be huge.

69 - kinky bitch, you occasionally annoy me (who doesn't though?) but i love you! you're such a funny girl and all the sex puns (even this number) cracks me up! xx

6631 - you're incredibly pretty, i told your friend that and she seemed to just take the piss! you're lovely though :) xx

21 - you're wicked! i don't feel i know you anymore but if you're the same, you're lovely! x

194 - you legend! nothing short of comical genius, all this stuff like 'pottsy' n all that has come from, you genius!

123345 - HA! ain't seen you in ages, we used to be like best mates in year 10 and 11, miss you man x

111 - you're so over dramatic about some things!! BUT - you have a heart of gold

77874694894499 - tbh mate, you're a fucking legend, first person i met at college and been good mates with you since i got there. i remember just hanging out on the first day, standing there saying 'i don't have a clue who any of these people are'.. 'me either haha'

666 - you beast, such a down to earth guy. glad i met you man x

46 - fucking amazing, beautiful, lovely, can't find the words to describe you. I know for obvious reasons with distance but I do geniunly mean that. if you lived closer, i'd be interested in you! :) xx

What's the deal?

What's the deal with 'leagues' when it comes to genders and relationships?

Yes, I am back on relationships again but I really don't follow it. It's not acceptable but it would be hypocrite of me if I were to say it's not right for a 'model in the making' to be in a relationship with some sort of ogre because I think in a relationship or to like someone, it's not fully built on personalities, there is definitely a huge pull with being attracted to someone because that's the first thing you see, you can't see a personality (obviously). You approach them thinking they look nice/hot/beautiful/etc and you speak to them.

What I'm speaking of though is when someone knows them, get's along with them well and then to completely rule out being in a relationship with them because they consider themselves as could get someone better or something along them lines, whether they say it out loud or they keep it to themselves.. Everyone is guilty to it to a degree and I think people would agree if they were being 100% honest with themselves.. I have been and everyone else has.

I think it's to do with peer pressure that's gone on over time because as an example, I'm not sure but I think I may like someone who I guess some people would look at and say I could get them and some people say I couldn't and I think people who are either jealous or close to them will say things to them that are along the lines of 'you could do better' or 'not in your league', even if it's not that straight forward and blunt but over time, people do start to think that - no matter how well they get along with the other person and probably could be a fit.

But, just for the record - I'm not including whether you can actually like them or not because obviously if you don't, what can you do? haha!

I just reckon people should give more people a chance and I think there would be a lot of people who would surprise themselves.

On a slightly more random note - if you like someone and you see them being close to the opposite gender who you know they're not 'good friends' with, it's not bad if you envy it if you'd never tell them or do anything about it because 1) you have no right to and 2) because you're not a prick? Does that like mean anything or something? I'm a little clueless sometimes.

xx

Mixed feelings

I hate mixed feelings on things? I wish somethings could just be simple where you didn't have to decide and you know the right thing to do, or at least the most interesting thing. Of course, I'm talking about a perfect which does not exist haha!

It's not really what could go wrong or be bad? It's more stuck in limbo and not knowing because the anticipation kills you, I'm usually good with decisions unless they're something that really could effect me and this is the one time I don't strive under pressure. I'm all discombobulated because i'm actually under no pressure what-so-ever, it just feels like it and it's not pleasing.

On lighter news, where's the snow!? I think whoever is up there ^ has mixed feelings on us too, you gonna give us some, big guy?

Also, saw a wicked quote that I put as my status and I think it says a lot about people who have been in crap, Tom Delonge again speaaaaaaks to us people. (I reckon he's God.. yes I'm a little bit obsessed). All seriousness though;

'Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Then you close your eyes, do you see the future? And if you could escape from your past, would you be ready for the next adventure?'

xx

Relationships

Don't you just hate it when people just moan and moan about their relationship? When someone does, I can't help but ask myself the question - 'why do you bother, then?'. It's strange because I think why the hell don't they ask themselves that question and even when they do it's said sarcastically.

I always look at relationships at this age as 'why are we setting ourselves up to get hurt?'. This sounds so pessimistic but technically, it's realistic. I mean, nobody wants to get hurt so why set yourself up to have that happen? I know this sounds really anti-relationships but I'm actually not, I love being in a relationship as much as I do being single but I can't stand the feeling after it finishes, even if it finishes well. I suppose it's always great when things are going well and things but when it's not and you see it blatted all over Facebook about how shit everythings going and sarcastic 'Why do i bother?' - I automatically think it's so selfish because people don't want to read about your personal life, if I did - I'd ask you or we'd be close and I'd already know. Hence why I have this blog, big things that I really care and I'm willing to put out there, I'll write on here because it's totally optional, if you don't wanna read it because you can't be assed or not interested - fair shout! But if you do, then it's there but also I think it's selfish because of all the people on facebook who would kill to have what they have but haven't found the courage or the right person who will and they probably think the same.

Thinking about that, I hate it when in relationships when such small things because a huge issue, I don't understand why you'd want to make something small into something big when you know it will cause problems? Why can't people be happy with what they have and enjoy being in each others company because you clearly like them - that's why you're in the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I know disagreements happen but if they're minor, i think it's healthy because then there's room for discussion and improvements but it's when someone blows something that's so minor into something that can throw the spanner in the works with the relationship.

Finally, I know people would agree on this but I think it's the most stupid thing in the world - when people throw the word 'love' around, it's so wrong. People say 'hate is a strong word'.. Really? 'Love' is the total opposite and is a strong word yet people throw that around like anything, people who pretend to be in 'love' when they've been with someone 2 days.

Aha! What a rant. To end on a high note, I don't hate relationships and I don't hate 'love' - i hate you.. LOL joke! I love you guys, thanks for readinggggggggggg!

What a day

Today could possibly one of the greatest days of my young life. Seriously, I'm literally over the moon right now.

Since posting that blog yesterday, I must have had about 6-8 people complimenting on it and stuff and if I'm honest, I know a few people read this blog but I didn't expect more than one or two. Little scary though because a couple have said that they get inspired by these which has literally blown my mind because I never really set out to do that.. With this blog anyway. Ahh! It's such a motivator to make me go on and do big things, it's amazing what friends and people can do for you as a person so anyone who is reading this, thank you so much! If you think this is over the top.. Fuck you! This has done me wonders, so again - thank you!!

Next, I had a parents liaison meeting with my tutor and I was literally rained with praise, it's so scary. Even Jess, my other teacher stepped it and covered me with glory. I'm literally, so over-the-moon right now because she was saying things like 'I speak the most and because of that, I'm the focal point', I influence the whole group and when I work, everyone works. I don't know what this is, but I'm literally blown away by this and no, it's not like I'm trying to gloat about any of this I'm just literally so buzzed by it. One special mention which has literally really made me incredibly happy is that apparently (for people in our group will know) Terry, the quiet lad who keeps himself to himself was apparently on the verge of leaving because he felt quite left out or something along them lines, apparently my encouraging him and in Jess' words 'influencing' him and made him really come out of his shell, he talks more, he's easier to get a long with which I'm so happy about because our group being so charismatic, I can't stand the thought of someone being all quiet and feeling left out because that would be so lonely, especially in our loud and crazy group so I tried to get him involved, talk to him, sit next to him and I'm proper happy that what I'm doing is actually helping him because he's such a cool lad, even if he is incredibly quiet and timid. I feel so good right now because of all these things they were saying about having a natural ability to be so confident but also be so comforting and tender towards people and apparently that can't be taught. It makes me ask a question, this year may have been so traumatic, but has it been worth it? I'm really starting to ask myself that question? As you may know (from a previous blog) that I'm a strong believer in fate only we have more control over it than we think. Maybe this is fate? Maybe all this shit I've/We've been through was meant to happen to make me who I am now? I would love to know and I think the answers becoming clearer by the day.

Also, to top this day off.. My dad has a job in Afghan! After all this traumatic stuff that's happened in the last year with being crushed and splitting up with my mum - It's finally paid off!! Such great news, a little nervous because of where he is but just got to try and move passed that.

This is sheer proof that no matter what crap you go through, even if it's the worst thing ever and literally can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - if you believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will find it, I know and so do millions of other people on this planet and only you can truly believe whether there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you believe it - it will be there :)

xxxx

2010..

2009...

This was meant to be the year where everything was meant to come together and things would full into place for the Thornton family. Of course, things went horribly wrong and it coming towards the end of 2009 would be the thing that changed everything, not only me as a person but my whole life and the people around me.

Rolling into 2010, I guess I could say it was memorable but also in a humorous way it wasn't memorable. On the 31^st of December, I had about 40 people turn up at my house to celebrate the new year and a whole new sheet thing, it was memorable but obviously to the extent that I and everyone else had drank that night, my/our memories aren't quite up to scratch of the whole event. I remember something which I'm not 100% sure how we achieved but managing to fit pretty much 98% of that party attendee's into the conservatory to watch the year change, was pretty incredible and definitely the biggest and most fun way I've ever gone into a new year.

So going into 2010 was definitely a strange thing in terms of where my life was at, things had began changing in the household and obviously still in a pretty destroyed condition was my dad from being crushed, literally. He was still in a state but was definitely on the up. It's amazing how much my life changed due to this event which lead to another. Before I get on to any of that, it was kind of a weird because there was so much uncertainty within our lives and I think everyone knew.. In fact, I knew everyone knew but I don't think they understood where each one of us stood. January, we kind of just sorter plastered up what was going on but nothing was actually healing or progressing but we sort of continued with our lives like knowing something was wrong but kind of not admitting it, obviously I can't speak for the others in my family but personally it felt we were all sort of doing that.

Then, I was in sixth form and since the accident with my dad, my school form began to sort of be effected and attendance was getting worse and worse and it's funny because now I'm at college as this whole new life change thing but it was actually supposed to be when I went into sixth form, so a year before now. I flunked year 11 and just was lazy and ended up getting shitty grades as expected and to be honest, it's what I deserved. But yeah, it was effected and I was needing to be home looking after my dad, not because I had to but... I did have to at the same time, which seems confusing but obviously my mum was still living with us so she was working and bringing money into the house so with my dad being home alone and being totally incapacitated and couldn't even make himself a coffee. So I was beginning to separate sixth form and taking care of my dad and sixth form started becoming something that I can re-do or can be placed a side, of course something like this that happened to my dad was like a once in a life time thing so I had to make sure that I was there, just like Jake but his situation was different because he was in full-time education and my big brother was in full-time work. There was no wiggle room so I took it upon myself, not to sound heroic or any of that bullshit. I needed to be there. So, coming towards the end of January my parents relationship was then over, it was decided that it would finish, end of. No more. So falling into February things then started to get really moving, the plaster was off but it wound was left open. My mum then was not really staying at the home, she was staying at her friends house most of the time which at the time I guess seemed like really pulling away but looking back I pretty much know now that she made the right decision mainly to save arguing and everything and obviously we were all pretty mad at the situation, I remember having huge fights with both my parents and even my brothers so it was like huge, but I suppose having these couple huge fights kind of worked out for the best because it wasn't constant little arguments and couldn't escape from the situation but it did end up being like no-man's land in the World War 2 between the trenches, because no-one ever stepped foot in there or mentioned anything there, it was like a graze that was red raw and you couldn't put anything over it cos you couldn't touch it.

So basically after all this happened, my mum then found a place which was a small flat living with one of her friends good friend. This was like moving into the March, so my mum had moved out and dust had began to settle after a few weeks, the fights became less and less but it was all still pretty tender, my school lessons began to slowly drop and I ended up finishing with just the one lesson, ducking and avoiding in anyway to make sure I wasn't caught up with the sixth form teachers because I was just doing the one lesson which they didn't allow, so I just continued with media but IT and double IT had gone (not officially) because I wasn't keeping up with the work and it was starting to mount up.

Separately from both my family life and sixth form, my close friends began to change. So much changed because my best friend at the time was Eugene but we started having problems where we'd go for like weeks without even saying a word and it was all caused because of his girlfriend and obviously for such a long time I just stayed quiet about my ill feelings towards her but I didn't ever make a huge thing about it because Eugene was my best friend but I think he was aware of my feelings towards her and it was causing problems with the things that he was doing and the way I was reacting to it and I even feel now if me and him were closer, he would have been there a lot more during my parents splitting up but because of what was going on, it was put over it. I don't judge Eugene for that because it would have been awkward and would of probably felt fake, but you can make your own decision of whether we should of just put it passed us and we should have been there for each other whilst I was going through it or you can understand the weird feelings floating about between us, even now I guess I'm not really sure to what to think now. I don't really dwell on it too much now because me and Eugene are still good friends, even if we're not best friends.

It was strange because during this weird thing with Eugene, I started to realise what was going on around me and everyone's actions towards me and I really noticed that Matt and Alex Gocher were starting to really surround me with themselves and I started noticing that these two guys were my best friends and I was literally blown away by how Matt handled it because he's such a great guy who's been through some real tough times and he got his first serious relationship with someone so obviously this was/is huge to him and it was to everyone else, but the amazing thing is he didn't get so obsessed or too wrapped up in his own things, he continued to be around me while going through this, which brings me on to Gocher because he's recently been through something himself and he was really there, offering advice and generally being like another brother like Matt. Me and Gocher were good friends because obviously we did the charity gig together so we were good friends then but we'd never talk about things that were deep but we got more and more like that and now I can officially say he's the best thing since sliced bread just like Matt and these two are definitely by a billion miles my best friends.

Music then started becoming a huge part of mine when both me and Gocher set up this band called The Loud Majority which never really turned into anything but it certainly placed the foundations to what is now (with Half Mile Heights) and at the time, I didn't realise that this passage we went through with a crappy joke band would make me what I'm like now.

So we're half way through March and basically these things are really starting to get to me, I'm proper struggling to hold things together, my dad was certainly on the mend and he was like getting better and completely like transforming himself mentally at such a quick rate and physically he was getting there to, but as he was getting better and taking things over for himself, I guess my body and mind began slowing down after spending. like 4-6 months really being there for somebody and being full on. So, yeah things began falling to pieces for me, I literally couldn't handle what was going on and I remember being eventually caught up with sixth form and ended up them letting me finish with the one lesson but also found out what was going on and really offered to support, which is funny because I take the piss and all that shit out of sixth form and I still mean that saying that it's crap but being there for me, they were A* in themselves and I ended not being able to hold my shit together, I had to take two weeks off (two weeks before Easter so I ended up with 4 weeks off including half term) on personal leave, I guess that's what you call it.

The two weeks I actually took off is probably, most definitely the most horrible dark pit I've been through in my life so far. I mean, it was like hell in my head, I spent the first week literally just in my room, eating shit food (doughnuts mainly), lying in bed and not talking to anyone and the second week was like the same only I was a bit more open to a few things, talking to my brothers and stuff. Over this time I started talking to Brad Ablett who had been a close friend like over the whole of sixth form and probably both GCSE years and I already heard them, I had something like 6 songs on my iPod but I never understood what they stood for and this is where my life has literally changed, Brad told me what Angels and Airwaves (AvA) were truly about and all of a sudden the lyrics were starting to make sense and my whole attitude began changing. All of a sudden, I knew that this pit I was currently in was like something I was always going to go through and I became a lot more optimistic to the things around me. I started looking into Angels and Airwaves more and more, interviews, songs, videos and literally, my life went from what it was, being in that pit and then slowly started creeping out the other side, I literally listened over and over to there albums and before I knew it, I felt like a new person. This is where my sheer love of creating music and listening to music came from because I realised some people who said 'Music makes me feel totally different' but I never really got influenced but this changed me.. Hence why Tom Delonge is really the idol and who I shape myself to be like and how I've become so like him because I just think that he's an amazing guy who literally got me through what I did, coming out of a shithole to realising that things really aren't as bad as I think it's like.

Over this, as you may know I went head first into my first proper relationship (after getting sick of bouncing from one girl to another at each different parties) in such a long time with Rachel Oakley and I reckon that was the final thing that pulled me out this pit, everything was starting to be sweet and looked so much better. I must admit that it was strange because I just wasn't used to it at all, but I eventually got into it. 7^th April is when things started with Rachel.

When I went back to sixth form, I was basically told that if I wanted to stay next year, I had to pick up two more lessons which my mind was still in 'this can be put aside' mode, so I decided against that and go into full-time work. Even though I was set on that idea, I was actually shit scared of that, I had no clue what the adult life was like and full-time work so I was always had no clue to where I was going with it.

I ended up getting talking to Gocher's girlfriend, Katie, who told me about Exeter College and that you could study the one lesson if you wanted. So I looked into it and I found the most perfect course for me and I realised I could just study that if I wanted to. Before I knew it, I was applying and it was like impulse, I didn't really think about it. I think that's what I've been lacking in my personal life for like the last three years, starting back in year 10. I would never really take much of a chance, when it came to doing new things. But this move felt right, it was so strange, I had an interview and then enrolment and before I knew it, it was like 5 weeks away from starting a completely new chapter in my life.

The biggest thing other than going to college and my parents splitting up was the formation of Half Mile Heights. People are probably thinking I'm taking this way to seriously but I really am and I don't give a shit if people think that because this band was supposed to be just a band to start with but as time has gone on, I've remembered going through that two weeks where I was literally fucked in the head and then how a band and a certain music made me change and it became clear that this is what I wanted to achieve, I want make something that changes people like Angels and Airwaves changed me and it's funny because people are probably looking at me and saying 'you're just trying to be Tom Delonge'. Okay, I am and I'm not because I'm my own person, I have been since as far back as I can remember but I am because his attitude to music, changed me and no doubt thousands and thousands of people to, so thinking that I hope to take his attitude and create something similar and hope to make people feel or change to make themselves better like he did for me. So the first thing to do was to get someone who wanted to do this to and of course the first person I would go to.. Without even thinking would be Alex Gocher. I'd worked with him before music wise and he was like my best friend with Matt so we started this thing and I don't think he was on the same wave length as me initially, I think he thought we were going to create something heavy and techno like Enter Shikari due to us being huge fans of them, like my favourite band along with Angels and Airwaves.

For me, I hope Gocher's reading this because in all honesty, when this band set out, I did want that initially but I always wanted to create something like Angels and Airwaves but I didn't believe I could do, now I do. It's not that I'm trying to control the band, or any shit like that (which comes relevant soon). I wanted direction and because I'm limited with instrument knowledge, I needed someone who had the know-how but is also on the same wave length as me, I needed Gocher and I had to find away of getting across to him what I wanted but it's not just what I wanted, I wanted Gocher to come round to the way I'm thinking and because I know he's on the same brainwaves as me, I know he will. I can imagine this is coming across as very me controlling but it really isn't, it's what I've wanted to set out to do before I was even into music like I am now. Fuck knows how I was gonna do it and now I think that I'm trying to do it with music. I hope.. And I think Gocher is now on the same wave length as me and I believe Lewis is to because he's always judging himself as someone who is gonna get no-where in life and I think this is a chance for him to prove himself and everyone wrong, because I believe he can.

Completing the band was to get another guitarist/bassist and that was to get my great friend at the time Matt Waldron. We started off slowly but things eventually started getting rolling but before we actually looked to start taking off, something literally rocked us when some stuff that Matt had said to some people and I'm not gonna go into what he said because that isn't fair but I didn't agree and neither did Gocher and neither did anyone I told and it was so frustrating cos we ended up like arguing like mad, literally sending texts that were 10 texts long and it was some crazy shit, all this stuff coming out and finally it became clear that me and him just weren't going to see eye-to-eye any more. After that, the band sort of went quiet on practising terms, because no-one was aware of what was going on until after about a month of not talking to him, we removed him from the band. It wasn't supposed to be harsh but there was no-way it was going to be worked out and because I had started the band with Gocher, we thought it was the right thing to do because we would just cause more arguments. I don't regret anything I said to Matt and any of the actions I took (except the Facebook incident). It was crazy man, losing a very close friend that you're very tight with, feels like a huge chunk of your personal life just goes.

On the 13^th of August I started college which was like the biggest thing I've had to do on a personal level, it was time to meet new people and it was time to leave people behind, it's not that I have anything against the people I don't see much now, it's the complete opposite of that, I miss a lot of them guys but it was time for me to do something that was right for me, everything that had happened over this year made this move the right one for me, there was no ifs, or buts, it was the only thing I could do to prove to myself that I could branch out and I could become my own man in terms of not just sticking close to home and I know college is only like 20 minutes down the line but it's the whole new social side of things and how you have to carry yourself about the way you live and take things at college. I wanted new people in my life, people who didn't know me or what I'd just been through throughout this year and that's what I've achieved so far, people knew nothing about me and I've met some amazing people from the short time I've been at college and my life has completely changed, I'm a completely different person and that again relates back to my band because I wanted to transform myself from the person I was before I hit that depression stage and then climbed out of it because of music, I knew that the band would be a slower way to change myself so if I wanted to change, it had to be something big, something that happened in an instant and that was what I did when I went to college and my personal life would surround our band and how we want to achieve that new feeling. I also think that leaving Honiton was always for the best and leaving people behind was because people started accusing me of being arrogant and cold towards certain people, but that wasn't it, it was literally me trying to branch out and better myself from being looked at as 'A great guy with intelligence but is too lazy'. I wanted to be a better person, intellectually and personally. I think that's how I handled the split up with Rachel so well because of the new people around me and they were just there for me, no questions asked. I mean, I split with Rachel, we were together for like 7 n a half months and I spent the final two and a half months not happy with what was happening, which again sounds harsh but we tried to fix it and it didn't work out and now it's all over, I'm back to my normal self and I feel good about where I am in life.

Whoever reads this, I hope it was an interesting read but also lays out some actions maybe I took towards you, actions I took within my band (falling out with Matt), going to college and cutting certain people out. I had to do this for the right reason and like I heard Tom Delonge once say that 'it comes to a point where you have to do what's best for yourself'.

Saturday

Sometimes I really feel like a guy who is stuck in a dead end job who has no girlfriend and no real drive when I think about my Saturdays.

See, my Saturday's are 'Zandie's day' which basically is a day that involves nothing but me. I get up in the morning, I tend to just do all the regular stuff but then when it hits 12:10 - football starts. I watch Football Focus then I would usually watch Sky Sports News but obviously I haven't got that now so I have to then watch Final Score from 2.30pm to 6pm. Then I tend to chill right out until Match Of The Day and The Football League Show.

Some people may think this is a little sad but since I moved my work day to Sunday.. I can't exactly go out and get hammered because I won't be able to stomach work the next day (literally!) but I do love these days, they rarely involve anyone else and as much as I absolutely love college, I still look forward to Saturday's the most. I don't have to endure anyone else's problems but my own and even then, they don't exactly cross my mind because it's a proper chill out sesh.

This pretty much proves to me (and anyone else) that my passion for football is still there, despite not playing it anymore. This whole day pretty much revolves around football and being lazy and a lot of the time, (again as much as i love college) - this is the day i look mostly forward to.

In other things, my band is looking for a bassist. We've decided to play all to our strengths and bass certainly isn't mine haha! I'm going to stick to playing my Kaoss Pad and writing music and if I was being really daring to say - singing haha!

Oh and recently I've started reading Michael McIntyre's autobiography, from the little I've read already - I would advise anyone to read it, it's pretty damn hilarious from the word go.

I'll blog again soon. x

Friends..

How can you really decide who is a good friend?

In my opinion, to be a good friend you have to have so many qualities and to people who actually have these traits don't realise they have them. So many people can claim they're good friends and try to prove that they're good friends but a lot of these are so cautious of people thinking that they're not so they have to always prove that they're the best kinda friend, ever.

My best friend is Matt Urquhart, he's always been there even if he doesn't notice it. He's always there, we agree and we disagree but he's a proper sound guy, never puts a foot wrong.. And this why it makes me think that people who set out to be a good friend are never really going to be as good what they make out to be because it doesn't come naturally, it's the kind of people who just stay quiet about it and just do what they do.

To be honest, it's the same as Alex Gocher, these two guys were really there for me when I split up with my girlfriend because despite being the one who orchastrated the break-up, it didn't mean it wasn't rough on me. These guys were here though, maybe without even thinking about it - sure, I had other people who helped me through it (such as Anna Pincombe, Jade Lloyd, Chloe Bradshaw) but they were never SO close to me, they could never understand 100% what was going on but it is the thought the counts and they did really offer me support, especially in college where Matt and Gocher don't go to my area of college so that was appreciated.

It's not always people who have to be there through those times, it can be people who you generally hang out with but aren't bad people who are gonna just talk to you and treat you like the next people they see, I got plenty of these who I do consider friends such as; Ash Dawkins, Adam White, Terence Rich, Brad Ablett and quite a few people but they're good mates I've known for a long time, since I was a very young age.

It's so strange how things can get turned on it's head though, sometimes you can see someone who is so close to you and you consider a best friend and then something happens and everything get's so fucked up. I'm not naming any names but the person who I'm talking for me personally isn't a bad person, he's a good person but what he said may not of nessercirily come across as abusive or violent, or even that offensive but the problems I've had with being a dominating character, I've always worked hard to avoid doing what he claimed I was doing around my friends because I don't want to push people away. I know a lot of this wasn't true what was said because again Alex Gocher has stuck with me through all the crap I've been through trying to set up a band who can actually get something moving, such as my latest band was built on good friendship, all very close friends yet things can just change in a second. Friendships are delicate, especially if they're close because you put so much trust in to some people so if something happens, the trust is gone and without trust - I don't feel you can consider them as a close friend.

Still, after all this, you don't always need SO many good friends 'cause at the end of the day - you don't anyway because it's only the ones you see on a regular basis and I notice 95% of the time, you hang out with the same people.

BLOGBLOGBLOG. xx

Its been a while...

As you can see by the title, it's been nearly 3 months since I did one of these sad blogs I do!

I'm not gonna go over the last three months obviously but the last few weeks I have been pretty crazy, starting college and all that. It's all a little hectic right now but I felt I should write one for the people who actually read this haha!

Yeah, well, as I said - I've started college! Which is epic! It's quite funny because a quote I'm using from the Scrubs finale is 'I build it up so much in my head, it can never match my expectations'. I do this for everything I do and to be honest, nothing ever does live up to what I built it up to be, but I'm not gonna lie - college has. I've met some awesome people and the course is insane (Media film and tv production). I feel really in my element in the lessons, all this creative stuff I used to write and have ideas for has finally got somewhere when I can put them, it feels weird actually to be somewhere I can feel like I'm actually going to be doing well in.

On another note, my band - Half Mile Heights. In the last two months a lot has progressed and changed. To start off on a bad note 'cause I want to finish on the good note is that some friction was caused in the band between myself and another band member. I'm not going to say too much because this is way to public but its strange because you would think something that was supposed to be set up for a laugh has caused a friendship to completely sink into something where neither of us talk. Still, I don't regret anything I said or the way I acted (minus the facebook annoucement via Half Mile Heights) and during all the arguments and things - I don't wish to go on and change things, right now I'm happy with the situation which may seem a little twisted but in all honesty, I feel like this because I haven't thought about it too much. Again, without saying too much - yes, this did flare up from something and all happened extremely quickly, none of it happened over the course of time. It's also made me realise how much I actually love playing music with Gocher and Lewis because (even if it's not in the best way to come about) I actually want to create something with this band that means something to the each of us. I'm not gonna go on like we're some huge band that split up like blink-182 or speak like Tom Delonge saying we 'want to change music' but both blink-182 and Tom Delonge have influenced me so much through this little area in my band because the way he talks about things such as blink's break-up and getting back together and how he talks about Angels and Airwaves is how I would love to lead my life and I'm finding that I actually am. But yes, this band, despite being in early stages actually mean's a lot too me because I'm doing the band with two people I consider as very close family and mean a lot to me so when we practice, we all put ideas in and it seems any bad vibes (though there wasn't much) has now gone.

On the positive notes of all of this, the band is beginning to slowly piece together. Members, equipment, it's all starting to set in stone and sessions have been incredibly productive with things being placed together on the day and being tweaked to sound even better. For me personally, and I think probably the same for the other two is that we are generally working hard to make it our thing. We don't want to be able to put to a genre, we don't want labels or anything, we simply want people to like our style which is changing during each song, from rock and heavier riffs to techno and progressive easier rock. We won't be gigging any time soon and we will be back on practicing VERY soon and I want to hopefully get a recording to put up on YouTube so people can hear what we've been up too.

I will try and get round to do more blogging now, the dust is beginning to settle with Gocher starting the music academy, Lewis improving extremely quick rate on the drums and me with College.

See you soon! x

Opportunity...

I recently had a conversation with one of my brothers older friends ('older' not in terms of age) who is now at Uni. Dave's a proper sound guy, I always preferred him to a lot of my brothers mates cos he's proper down to earth than a lot of people, not just my bro's mates.

Anyway, he asked me what I was up to these days and we were talking about me going to Exeter College, my band, basically the usual jibba jabba. We were talking about opportunities at Honiton being limited, he stayed there cos he got along with the teacher who taught photography but he agreed that Honiton was and still is SO limited to what you can achieve there. In terms of grades, anything's possible of course but I mean other activities and events which is a giant downside to Honiton's sixth form. They try to persuade you to stay for sixth form and they offer a decent range of lessons but in all honesty, other activites, such as acts, shows, plays, gigs etc is totally non-existent. The funny thing is, Honiton has all the facilities and equipment to host these sorts of things but it seems like there is never anything going. It's another BIG reason why I'm going to Exeter College, the place is generally bigger and the opportunity has a lot wider range.

But Honiton don't seem to be taking steps to achieve these, if i was to stay there next year - I'd definitely bust a gut to try and get these things going because I'm not the only one who wants more going on down there. I'd quite happily write scripts, get people on board, try to set up gigs and things but telling you this is almost pointless because I'm not staying there but I do think someone should step up and do it, I'd definitely back them in ideas and things.

Finally, it got me thinking about how many of these things I just skipped out of when I was actually in proper school, there were plays and stuff going and I just couldn't be bothered with them because I wasn't into them, I guess that's fair enough but I definitely regret these things. Basically, if you see something you're even slightly interested in, go for it! If you don't, you'll regret it because all these things build up and broaden your horizon.

Speak soon! x

Few things going on...

Right, just to let ya know what's been going on recently for you who are interested.

Okay, yes, I've been writing a script/book which focuses on something quite different to what I've written before. For people who Skins, you may find that at first - it might seemed copied but I can assure you - ITS NOT. The foundations are but if you chose to read it, you will release how different it is. Basically, it's about this boy who has the world sussed. He's doing well in school, he's got a group of good friends, a beautiful girlfriend, a hectic social life and he's gonna go off to do great things. He's then walking home one day and happens to walk past an alley way where he see's a man about to rape a woman. Anyway, he ends up attacking this guy and getting the girl out the situation and just when it seems like its sorted, the guy gets up and pushes him into the road and he gets hit by a bus and suffers a subdural hemorrhage . It's basically about how he rebuilds his life starting from square one. Yes, this does at first glance seem like a complete copy of a Tony Stonem character on Skins. But give this a chance. He doesn't go back to his old friends but its going to be a journey of how he gets back to that life, just with different people.

Anyway, onwards! Yes, it would seem I'm joining a new band every week but no. For those who are wondering why 'Half Mile Heights' has come around when only recently I set up The Loud Majority is for a few reasons; since I decided to go Exeter College next year, I didn't have time to practice with the other band members (except Gocher of course). Me and Gocher decided that we wanted to try something that actually meant something to me and him and really nail our points across about what we think of certain things such as; politics, England not being patriotic, girls lying about who they really are, potential problems that lie ahead in friendships etc etc. Instead of rushing in, me and Gocher have really done some thinking about how this band is gonna go about. No, we're not a band who are searching for a record label, we are simply a band who wants to play gigs and play to crowd but this doesnt stop our drive to make it mean something, even if its just to us. But we haven't rushed to appoint band members, we're taking it slow to make sure its not another fail like The Loud Majority.

But yes! I will blog as soon as possible. Cheers x

New start, new futures and old past.

I finally for once in my life feel like I'm sorting myself out and doing something right for a change.

I did my final week at Honiton Community College last week and I'm now preparing for my one exam and then I prepare myself for Exeter College. It feels strange because I do feel like I'm moving forward, I finally have that feeling that everyone else got when they passed there GCSE's and went on to do A-Levels successfully or went to better colleges such as Huish. All my schooling years, I've always felt I'm a pretty intelligent person underneath it all but I never used it and that was down to sheer laziness and as a result, I failed everything but English. It's quite a weird feeling, many of you might not really get what I'm saying because you worked hard and got what you wanted but for me, this is a new feeling and it's a good feeling.

In my previous blogs, you've probably read that I was quitting school and going into full-time employment but as you've seen by the first paragraph, my plans have changed. It was down to one conversation with my friends girlfriend who goes to Exeter College and we got talking and I found out she was only studying one lesson. I'm not going to bore you with the details but I ended up looking into something that I could do and I found the perfect course that focuses on film making and video's. Perfect.

I never once felt right about leaving sixth form to go into full-time employment. I never once thought to myself 'this feels right, it's what I want'. I'm an honest guy who's not afraid to admit that I was scared of it, I didn't know what I was gonna do, I was totally clueless going into the 'big wide world'. I found this course at Exeter College and straight away my mind and heart told me this was right. Looking into it, everything said yes to me. There was no way around it.

But some of you may be thinking to yourself 'since you've got into sixth form, you've done nothing but had problems and hated it all, why did you not leave before?'. Well whether you did or didn't think that, I'll explain why...

Since about year 10 or maybe even before I've always been set on sixth form, I completely shut myself off from every other option and even when I got to the end of year 11 and I really had to think to make sure I was making the right decision, I was always saying 'sixth form'. The funny part of this, even though I've had a shitty year, things to do with my personal life and academically I've done shit - I still feel and think it was the right decision. I didn't consider Exeter or Tiverton because I was again too scared to leave. I didn't wanna go out and face up to new challenges, I wanted my life to stay the same - I was happy with it. But things began to change in roughly March when my schooling was becoming a serious issue with my attendance and grades weren't showing what I wanted. People weren't on the same level with me, people didn't want to stay the same like I did, they wanted change because it was exciting, not like me. Yes, I had personal problems at home and with myself but doesn't everyone? Even if mine were quite extreme, I still try avoiding using that as an excuse for my bad grades and bad attendance. I felt I hit rock bottom when I took two weeks out from school due to personal problems, my main problem was feeling lonely. I felt that a lot of my VERY close friends such as Nathan Mugford that were so good to me were slipping away, people were talking about university and going away etc, I couldn't join in with these conversations which made me feel awful so i moved into a group of people who didn't have the greatest aspirations after leaving school.

Back to my original point, I then realized what I needed was a new start; a new place, new faces, new challenges, new personal challenges. Everything, new. But again, Exeter didn't cross my mind until this conversation I had with my friends girlfriend. Once I made this decision, I felt good about myself. It felt right and I knew it. Exeter is a new thing for me, this means being more independent, taking control, starting on my own because none of my friends are joining me on this, this is a Zandie thing. I couldn't leave in year 11, I wasn't mature enough, not even close. But all this shit I've been through over this year, it's made me stronger, it's made me a lot more mature and I've grown up. My attitude towards this next step in my life is 'I'm gonna kick Exeter in the ass. I'm gonna meet new people, I'm gonna be a new person'.

In reading this, people maybe thinking that because everything is going to be so new I'll forget my past. I won't and I know I won't. I'm not just saying this. My friends have got me through so so so much and I will FOREVER be grateful to them. Yes I'll be meeting new people but this doesn't just mean 'out with the old, in with the new' - I will go through spells where I won't talk to my 'old' friends, but this isn't intentional - it's fact and when going through such a transition (for me personally) in my life, somethings will get away from me but I won't actually let go of them.

Lastly, looking over this just makes me feel that much more confident. I want people to read this one especially because I want people to realize why I'm moving on to a different place but at the same time I won't forget them because I know people who have and yes it is just over at Exeter, 20 mins in the car/train but everyone in sixth form can probably tell you at least one person they were good friends with went to Exeter and never really kept in contact. I have a beautiful girlfriend, a new course and a new outlook at my future and life - I'm ready for this...

xx

Fate, luck, karma...

I don't know if you believe in fate, luck or karma...

I think when it all comes down to it, I do believe in fate and luck but I believe we have more power over it than we think, especially with fate. I'm a very strong believer in karma because I'm pretty sure it's kicked me in the arse several times. On most occasions its been at work where on a Friday afternoon where there was a job that I've been told to leave such as the sausage filler, for Adam who was there the next day. So I'd go off continuing my job as per usual but deep down I was proper happy and thinking 'sucker! muahaha!' [No offense Adam if you're reading haha]. Of course, then the next day came and Adam had called in sick which meant I went in and covered for him resulting in me having to do the sausage filler. This happened 3 times in the space of a month and now I've learned NEVER to do that again.

Personally, I think karma keeps the universe in order and one thing can knock this and cause a series of good or bad things to happen. And if you're bad, they say 'what goes around, comes around' - I think that saying is so true because I do generally think that if you do something bad, it will come back around to punish you, even something small.

The thing that really confuses me is when bad things happen to good people. I know a great man who worked hard in his life and was one of the greatest men I ever met, a 'real diamond in the rough' but he was a good man who got cancer and sadly passed away. The fact of it is that I couldn't get over was this man was a good man and then this happened! Yet you see scum walking the streets who haven't done a day of work in there life and doing drugs and are a complete waste of air space and they tend to have nothing really go terribly wrong in there life. Why does this happen? I couldn't even take a guess because it's incredibly fucked up.

Moving on to fate. This is the main one I believe we have more power of it that we think. It's like love - I used to think that there was one person out there for everyone but now I don't. I believe people can be so attracted to their personality and everything about them that it can cause people fall in love. But at the same time, the word 'love' is thrown around SO much these days that it's lost 90% if it's meaning. People move from one girl/boy to another and claim they love each one of them, that again to me - is fucked up. I know people who have been in love, I know people who are in love and I know people who could potentially be in love. I think to achieve 'love' is that you have to have a certain amount in common and a certain amount of complete opposites. There are certain opposites that people can't deal with and it just wouldn't work such as I think there would be a lot of strain if you supported very different political parties but other things such as food, drink and even music.

I think luck is a very stodgy area because you see some people who everything just happens to fall for them in anything and everything. Again, I know people that everything's just happened for them and I know people who are bad luck ridden (such as my parents). But it's different to karma because not always bad people get luck. I have a friend who left a band and fell right on his feet and ended up in a band that was bigger than his original band, he's a good lad and it's happened for him and I always route for people like that, if they're good people and something good happens to them, then I'm all for it. Occasionally, and I'm definitely not on my own on this, some people (including myself) can have a degree of envy of them even if they are genuinely happy for them. Especially if you're going through a rough patch in your life and nothing seems to be working but in my opinion, that's human. A lot of people find themselves questioning why they get bad luck when they've done nothing wrong and I don't think anyone can answer it because it's like karma, it can be fucked up sometimes.

Cheeeers for reading my blah blah! :) xx

Acting, football, anything!

I apologize for the lack of blogging recently! Been crazy busy with everything and anything!

Basically, it all started because of this lush weather we've had. The first day we had it, I got called out to play football with a bunch of mates. First time I've kicked a ball in something along the lines of 5 months? Since 5-a-side anyway. My god, I really felt it the next day. Every muscle was killing me the following day PLUS pulling my groin and hamstring, wasn't lovely it must be said.

Anyway, the following day I got invited to go out and about with Gocher, Lewis and Eugene. I was hurting but I pulled it together and went out with them. Ended up climbing Roundball Hill, highest point in Honiton. Yes, I was hurting like no tomorrow but I've got to say, it was probably worth it. Great sight up there.. Funniest part is that going through the woods, Lewis thought it would be cool to take another way to us. So we got to the top and he hadn't appeared... Strange? So we looked over the edge down towards the woods and we hear Lewis comically shouting something. We look at him and he turns around and he's covered in mud. Once he got to the top of the hill, he explained what had happened. To cut a long story short, he jumped on what he thought was a dry spot and he landed on it, sunk and fell backwards into some mud. I've got a video on YouTube of him telling us what happened, hilarious! Check it out!

I've been speaking to a couple of people recently who I have a lot in common with. But the strangest one is Joe Willis. I used to play football with him at Ottery and we always got a long pretty well but now, talking to him about football, TV shows, acting, politics (except from we support different parties) - we have LOADS in common and it's kinda scary. But it's cool talking to him about things 'cause we agree on a lot of things that are actually worth talking about, such as Scrubs and the new season is just one thing. We both had the exact same view on it. Was pretty epic!

Now acting! Yes, I attended a Skins open audition yesterday. Went so so well. It involved me getting up at half 5 and leaving Honiton at half 6. Don't get me wrong though, when we got there, there must of already been a good 200+ already there. It was freezing, we waiting in line for an hour and a quarter. It was just me and Hannah. When we got into the hall (where I believe the opening scene of season 2 of skins was shot [Maxxie dancing]). Had our photo taken and given a number. I think we must of been in that hall for 40 mins until our group of twenty was called up. We moved to the other side of the hall and I met this pretty sound lad who got separated from the people who he came with. He was a nice lad and I spoke to him briefly. When we got moved into the actual audition room, the guy in there was proper loud and friendly so all of a sudden, these nerves that were annoying me - were gone? We got separated into groups of 4 in our large group of 20 and I also got split from Hannah. We got given a scenario which we had to improvise with. We practiced for about 5 mins and then 3 people came in. Jamie Brittian was one of them. I'm telling you, this guy is Skins. Writing, director etc etc. Performing in front of him was quite daunting but there was this other lady who I can only presume was the casting director. She was quite brutal. Anyway, we acted our piece in front of the group and I can remember seeing her looking at me. We got half way through our bit and she stopped us and walked over to me. She now wanted me to act as the vulnerable character and place the bad feeling in me. I acted away and when we finished, I looked over at her and she was just looking at me, she turned away and wrote my number down (I didn't know what she was writing at the time). I can only think that she asked me to change character because she was testing to see if I could work as a different type of character from being the one I was originally - the step out one, the out spoken one. When all the groups finished she called out two people who she wanted to have another look at and it was these two lads. Then she called out three numbers she definitely wanted back in the future. She called out the first number, second number and then in the last one she said 'And 443'. I was muttering it as she was leading up to my number almost praying that I'd got a part. I couldn't believe it. Afterward, I went over to her and gave her my application and left. I was over the moon, spreading the word to all my closest friends. There's still a HELL of a lot to go through yet but to even be shortlisted is like... WOW!

Well basically, that's about it. I've sorter rambled but that was a one hell of an experience and can't wait to go back for the next 'round'.
Cheeeers!

My new band! Upcoming Battle Of The Bands and Scrubs!

Yes! As you may know, I have a new band.
Performing wise, this is very different to what I'm used to. In the JONNY SNIPERS! - we're very much an Enter Shikari tribute band. So of course, I'm used to running round like a headless chicken on stage to some form of mixture between hard rock and drum'n'bass. Of course whack in some dubstep with a heavy bass line and voila! You have my band's music.

At the next Battle Of The Bands, indeed it is going to be our drummers last gig with us. We have in fact already found a replacement.

In our last performance at Battle Of The Bands, we did okay. First ever gig on stage for all three of us and to be quite honest, we did pretty well. We came second to ESG. Wracked with nerves before going on, I couldn't help but worrying about choking and making a complete tool of myself. Gocher and Pat were pretty relaxed but despite them being just as important to me in the songs, one or two hiccups - people tend to not really recognize. Of course, doing vocals people really notice if they know the song. We went out there and put on quite a show really.

But yes, this time. More songs, big set, bigger crowd (hopefully) and something is for sure more confidence. This time, we're gonna go out there and make sure we win. I know it's all for the experience and for charity but this time, we've practiced our asses off and not to sound arrogant but I think we're gonna put on quite a show.

Moving on from the JONNY SNIPERS! is my new band which is more of a 'side project'.. We are called 'The Loud Majority'. We are more of a punk-pop/rock band. This is a lot different to what I'm used to but we want to perform other songs and keep the Enter Shikari songs separate.

More about this band is that it involves 5 people including two front vocalist with me and Abi Webber which shall be rather cool. I'm used to being up there on my own. I haven't actually heard what Abi's like yet and she's helping me with one of the songs at the upcoming Battle Of The Bands with the JONNY SNIPERS! This band at the moment is more pulling itself together at the moment before we work on some songs. I'm proper excited about all this though.

Anyway, haven't mentioned by script in a couple of blogs. What is going on with that? Well, nothing. Not at the moment. You ever get those moods where you're working on something and you just really can't be fucked to do it, no matter how you look at it? Your brain just says no. For me personally, this is a pain in the ass because I haven't really got much more to do in this first episode but the motivation is lacking! It's not that I've lost passion for it or anything it's just... I can't really put my finger on what it is? My mind just doesn't want to do it despite me being mega bored and so un-busy it's unreal.

One last thing. I really find it a shame how Scrubs has lost its way. As you might of heard, ABC have canceled the show. It was funny, just not Scrubs funny. It had drama of Lucy being crippled by expectations from her family and how difficult medical school is.. But it didn't have drama like Scrubs 1-8 had. I think how the show was done, crossing comedy and drama was amazingly done. For me, comedy and drama is like rock and drum'n'bass. People will forever say it won't work but in my opinion, it's been proved wrong several times. It was so cleverly done. Scrubs isn't Friends funny but the relationships between the characters were amazingly funny. How Elliot and JD always wanted to be together and how JD saw Cox as his dad which he hated but secretly loved. Obv JD and Turk with there bromance etc etc. Carla and Elliot hating each other and then becoming best friends. The show was perfect. Season 9 did not have this. Lucy and Cole didn't have this 'pulling factor'. It wasn't supposed to be another JD and Elliot because it's repeating but after JElliot, no other couple matched it. I loved Denise in the new season and season 8. She's this sexy, rock of a woman and I think how Drew and her got together was so brilliant. In all honesty, I loved that about Season 9. Finally, I think the new hospital didn't have the Scrubs feel. Memories were gone. It was this school crossed with a hospital which I couldn't EVER see working. All in all, great effort. Some great actors in there but just couldn't quite sit together. Should it been left at season 8? 80% of me said yes. The 20% was my sheer love for the show and didn't want it to end.

Anyway, I've definitely rambled.
Cheers big ears! xx

Re-living the good things and bad things talking to certain people.

I haven't blogged for a while and no bullshit, it's because I haven't been bothered and really, I haven't been busy except work.

Over the last two days, I've had a good talk with two people who in my life are in very different positions. Yesterday, I had a really good talk with Abi Webber. Our friendship had sorter faded, not due to any differences or friction but just what's going on in our lives. It was really good, I've missed Abi because I love her honest attitude towards things but also to me, Abi never feeds me shit. I love that about her. Anyway, Abi is a close friend and has been for many many years, probably longer than I can remember and talking to her yesterday really reminded me of how much I missed talking to her but also made me realize that a good friend was distancing from my life and after yesterday, I now won't let that happen.

But also, I've recently been talking to someone about previous relationships and how honest to god, fucked up mine have been. I haven't had a relationship in a good... Two years now? And to be honest, it's never really bothered me. Until recently... There are so many things that I hate about relationships. I really hate the fact that nothing is simple, ever. Everything you do seems to have this catch, sometimes a positive, sometimes a negative. The fact that both you and your other half wants to be in each others pockets yet want space, it screws my mind right up. But of course, not all is bad. Having someone to talk to on a different scale to your best friends is always nice and how you don't really ever feel alone is amazing.

The point of why I'm talking about relationships is because going over this with someone makes you re-live the good times and the bad times. I remember the last relationship I had, it was a very 'Ross and Rachel' thing. We were on and off for a year or so. 6 months, had a break. 4 months, 2 months and then the sour end. Because of this previous relationship, I've always been a total commitaphobe. I've got close to someone and then when things got serious, I pushed them away and destroyed what was built. I did this to about four/five people. I'm not someone who cries about this stuff but I've always worried about whether I will be like this when I'm older, for me - that's scary.

The problem I have with it is having someone who has the 'power' (sorry if that's the wrong word for it) to hurt you. I don't like that feeling of someone having that power over me. At the end of that relationship I had previously, it effected me badly. At the time, football was my life (another reason for why it went wrong) and because when it ended, my football form dipped due to it and I was slowly getting dropped from the team and as well feeling abandoned by the girl who I really was into... The other most important thing in my life was slipping through my fingers and as they say 'I couldn't catch a break/breath'.

Lastly, I know this post is very different to what I've posted before but I've seen people who have acted like the world has ended when they've come out of a serious relationship. The fact is, yes, it hurts and you have the right to be upset and take time to get over it but life does go on. It does. For anyone who thinks that it can't, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind - it does. No matter how bad.

Sorry if I've rambled a bit but I felt it needed to be said to get off my chest.
Good night xx

Tuesday, the day I was supposed to actually do something...

Well yes, Tuesday is one of the days I've actually got lessons now... I still didn't go in. Not because I didn't want to. I woke up at 8.00 and felt awful. Literally hanging, like a ratty hangover. I decided to keep hitting snooze until I decided to stop my alarm.

Unfortunately that lead to a phone call from Connexions because I had a meeting but because I was so ill, I couldn't go in. I now have another appointment till after Easter.

I was a little disappointed that I couldn't do band practice to my really sore throat, we haven't practiced for a few weeks now and I was looking really forward to it. Talk about being kicked in the crotch.

So yeah, today I haven't really done much except from when I went to work, got told I was needed in the morning which is terrible because if i still feel like shit, it's going to drag.

On the plus side of things, six of my seven CD's I bought yesterday came so I'm proper happy about that. Loving the Kids In Glass Houses album, proper good. Be interesting to hear there new album 'Dirt'. But yeah, I would advise people to check out 'Smart Casual' by Kids In Glass Houses if you haven't heard it. Been about a couple of years now but hey, I was a bit slow to catch on.

On to something with a bit more substance. This might not interest you but I know it will interest some people. Politics. I watched a bit of the news earlier and I think Labour have hit a new low. Getting there former leader to stand up for someone who's in charge now? Some people may look at it as he's a friend but no, despite Brown and Blair being in the same party - Brown always wanted Blair's position and once he got it, he fucked everything out. Bailing out banks that couldn't afford to pay the country back? It's common sense, would you lend money to someone who couldn't pay you back? No. This is the same, just on a much larger scale. But getting a 'friend' to stick up for him, can you believe Blair is a friend when Brown has never once really praised Blair about his time in charge? I know I don't.

And then after stooping to this low, they then criticize the Tories for not knowing where they stand... Haha! This party is a joke. EVERYBODY knows where we stand. We stand in an economical mess which THEY put us in, in the first place. I know for a fact that to straighten this country out, measures have to be taken which people aren't going to like initially, but in the long run... Things will get better. That's why David Cameron doesn't always actually say what is going to happen, it's not because he doesn't know what to do, it's to enforce these orders to sort the place out.

My rant is done for today. Cheeeeers! x

Monday, the day everyone hates...

I really hate Monday's sometimes, I really do.

Today, today, today... I've not exactly done a lot today. I went into town and bought some Ben and Jerry's, put my money in and went home. Yup, that's about it. Today has been pretty poor. Yes, I did spend that money on quite a bit actually, well... Just a bunch of CD's but it will be well worth it.

It's not exactly been a productive day but it was a bit of a realization that if I had left school, most days would be like this... In other words - shit and boring.

I did find a new song I think is pretty epic. Slipknot - Eyeless. Bring Me The Horizon did a pretty cool cover of it but i think the original is pretty sweet.

Anyway... I think it's time I finish off the rest of my Ben and Jerry's and then fill out my Skins audition forms.

Goodbye, for now!

A weekend of new things...

This weekend has been rather great. The plan was always to film my trailer for my media studies, this involved my first chance at directing something.. I'm not gonna lie - it was different to what I was expecting, this doesn't mean bad though. Yes, I stayed up until 3am the night before planning this and getting people involved from acting to camera shooting. I realized that it took a lot more preparation to get it how I wanted it to look like. The weird part of this, is that I imagined just turning up with gear and a couple of people and film the dodgy idea I had in my head.

Anyway, I enjoyed doing a short bit of acting in it and telling people my ideas and getting it down on camera. I'm lucky I'm good friends with people that are keen actors, especially Hannah Walker. Because it was only short, I'm not going to praise how we all pulled together to create this masterpiece because it isn't a masterpiece, far from it but I will say that I was proper happy with how we had fun but when I said that I wanted to get this scene down - people pulled themselves together and got the shot down.

It was slightly different to how it was initially gonna go because I had a different person to play the male in the video which I think on that day, I had a stroke of luck because originally I had Hannah's boyfriend Eugene playing the role, but because he decided he couldn't do it - Lewis who was filming it, brought along Alex Gocher and straight away, swooped him into playing the role and to be fair, he's far from into acting, pulled off the part well.

The down side to all of this is that it was revealed to me that we can't actually use a music video for my coursework which has thrown me into a complete rut because I now have to use my original idea by filming my first episode of Offscene and using clips of that but that takes a lot more thinking to; getting people free, having the equipment, having the scene etc etc, the list goes on.

But apart from that, I like to think that I've had my introduction to directing and worked with some cool people to get this filmed (even though I don't need it now).. It always helps when you have people who enjoy acting and I've got people like that who are available to me which makes it more exciting for when we film the first episode and possibly the second episode of 'Offscene'

In general, I'm really excited about filming this and I know the rest of the 'cast' are really nagging me to finish the first episode so we can get filming it. For people who are actually interested in this, with a few more tweeks made to the script, we will be definatly be shooting the first episode over the Easter.

Hope you've had a good weekend
x

A complete U-Turn can change your life from having nothing, to possibly leading to something...

So as you know from yesterday, my school career depended on today. I'm not gonna lie, I was dreading it. My alarm went off nice and loud, 'Bring Me The Horizon - Chelsea Smile' sure does wake you up. I turned my phone off and started listening to music through my Xbox, noticing Matt Urquhart was on the xbox early, was kinda odd. More to the point, listening to a bit of Fightstar and the worst thing happens. I fall asleep. I wake up, 10.34 - SHIT! 15 minutes to my appointment. I fling myself outta bed and get dressed, brush my teeth and shooting out the door.
Running to school was not pleasant.

So yes, I arrive at the common room thinking that is could be the end of my school career. After a good chat with Della, the best possible outcome - my timetable cut up and left with just media until the end of the year. Brilliant! Yesterday, I was down in the dumps about leaving school. Today, I'm not gonna lie, I felt bulletproof.

Except from that eventful start to the day, I went over to Matt's and pretty much chilled out at his for the day, played a bit of the Xbox and listened to some tunes.

Moving on, work was pretty dandy - breezed through and got paid £28 for this week, lovely job.

On the final note, I'm currently drawing up ideas this second and polishing off my ideas for filming 'Liquid Confidence' tomorrow. It's involving a few extra's and staring Hannah Walker and possibly me (haven't decided yet). Hopefully, providing it all gets filmed tomorrow - the trailer should be done Sunday or Monday because I'm going to work my bollox off making it look good.
The reason behind this trailer is for my Media Studies coursework and it's basically a trailer for YouMeAtSix's new album 'Hold Me Down' and featuring one of the most popular songs on the album, on the off chance you haven't heard it - I would strongly recommend you check that album out.

Enjoy your Friday night x

Hard times are ahead...

With my school career in the balance and heading towards and bitter end... It has just hit me that my life could dramatically change for the worse... Or, might it not be a terrible thing?

So yes, if I were to leave - any chance of going to uni is over... But is that what I really wanted? Towards late year 11, I really wanted to go off to Uni and study sport but as I went into sixth form, my thoughts began to change and with the string of injuries immediately slowed up my football and as time went on, dare I say - I lost the passion for it. Don't get me wrong, I still follow football on weekends and I'm still a huge Chelsea and Exeter fan but without being able to play it - it's just not the same.

More to the point, I've seen people leave school and never look back and gone on to do other things and become reasonably successful. In my opinion, life can teach you more than what school can ever teach you.. School just speeds up the process which OBVIOUSLY is a good thing.

On the other hand of course, I've seen people who haven't done so well. These people I'd like to believe that they were fuck up's from the word go and on average - they were/are.

I think in general it's about making the most of what you've got and I don't just mean grades. If I do eventually leave in the coming weeks, I think getting my FA coaching badges and hitting full-time work is the right thing to do and of course get money together to travel the USA.

If you look at overall, I think dropping out of school is a short term gain and a long term concern but with no direction in what I'm wanting to do. There is a tiny chance that they may let me continue on the one lesson but lets put it this way - I'm not hopeful.

On a brighter side of things, with my script 'Offscene' being put back because of this shite weather - I have the chance to film my music video 'Liquid Confidence' by YouMeAtSix on Saturday which should be a real good laugh, hopefully be up on Facebook or Youtube next week sometime.

Ta taaa!

Turns out I love doing these blogs..

So, yeah - I'll admit it! I love doing these blogs! Feels like I can say things and they're off my mind for a while.

So yeah, over the last two weeks my script is slowly coming to an end of the first episode.. To be fair I hoped that it would be finished a week ago but over the last two weeks, it has been a complete drought for creative juices and it's been a bit of a drag at times. I find it hard when this happens because before I was full of ideas and once they're on paper, they've left my mind resulting in me searching for new ideas. In my eyes, I see my ideas as balloons that begin flat but once I get a good grasp on the balloon, I begin to blow and the balloon opens up (obviously referring to the idea expanding). Once you get this small idea in your head, it doesn't just expand, it opens up other roads which you can chose to use and in general, the script grows and progresses.

My hope of filming the first episode Saturday seems to be slowly fading due to the weather but I know for sure I'm going to need some footage seeing as I opened my eyes only to realize that my media coursework has to be finished next Tuesday, slightly worrying times but I have faith in myself that I will pull through.

On the plus side of all this, I have began writing the second episode which is going to surround Lewis' character 'Itch'. Ever episode that I write focuses on one of the main characters (except the first and last episode which focuses on everyone).

Progression is the word that's on my lips atm.

Gooooood day x

I love the way you sometimes forget about bands you love...

As it says by the title, bands that you forget about. I often do this because despite my wide range of music genre's and bands... I tend to get wrapped up in only listening to a couple of bands, for example; Enter Shikari and YouMeAtSix have been dominating my ears recently but I just heard 'Matters At All' by Kids In Glass Houses and it's made me remember how quality they are, I mean - I used to be like in love with Kids In Glass Houses but I totally forgot about them... Also, same as the Blackout, I just remembered them because of the song 'This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things [I don't care]' and even this was through YouMeAtSix because obviously Josh features in this song... Anyways, It feels freshhhh!

Except that, I don't really know what else to write because I wasn't actually going to write one today simply because it's not a diary but also - nothing really happened.

x

Occasionally frustration can hit boiling point...

Once in a blue moon, sometimes frustration can hit boiling point and something just tips you over the edge.. Not so much anger, more just venting frustration.

For those who know my little brother, he's a classic wind up merchant.. At times he can be such a legend and other times he can needlessly piss you off, as i have witnessed several times and he has today...

I think the stupid form of counting to ten is totally pointless because frustration is different to anger, anger can be uncontrollable to the point where you kill someone. Frustration is more not thinking, belting something out for a minute or two and then calming completely down. About 15 minutes ago he really annoyed me completely needlessly, complaining about something that was stupid and I stormed off in a huff and now I am sitting here on my Xbox and typing this feeling totally fine...

I think this blog post is totally pointless but I thought because I'm bored and I'd post how stupid somethings things can be when so much stuff is going on and then something pointless just tips you over and then act fine... Tis a weird mood frustration x

Just generally trying this thing out..

I doubt anyone will read this but I thought I'd set one up just to kill some time once in a blue moon...

So what's going on? Not a lot really but I've been working a lot on this script I've been doing called 'Offscene' which is a sort of 'spin-off' thing to Skins... Yes, it's going to be quite basic (filming wise) because we're just students playing these roles with pretty basic resources but we're all keen actors so it should be quite fun...

There will be sorter minor roles for people who want them, not just 'extras' but etc etc...