I could be over-tired, but then again, my sleep pattern again is fucked.
Okay, so it's not the latest anybody has been awake, let alone me. There was times where I'd sit up on the Xbox or computer till 4 or 5am.. Kind of weird seeing the sun start peeking over the hills as I sit there totally engrossed in some game of either Command and Conquer, Football Manager or an Xbox game, like Battlefield or Call of Duty and talking to Adam White. Mind you, two summers ago I did watch a hell of a lot of baseball in Channel 5 until the bastards took it off. That didn't even start till like 1.30am. Good times, bed at 4am and wake up 1pm.
Of course, I am different now. I have this obsession that you waste half of your life sleeping so now I go to bed late and get up early. It doesn't do me any good some days, but at least my obsessive and compulsive brain knows I've got a good portion of the day done, even if it's just sitting around doing nothing really great with my day.
Which brings me on to my next point; Frank Turner - Reasons Not To Be An Idiot.
I love that song. Initially it was because I thought to myself, 'catchy, acoustic rock, good feel'. Then I was sitting there listening to the lyrics fully and realized that song actually speaks a lot about how my current life style is.
First verse:
'You're not as messed up as you think you are
Your self-absorption makes you messier
Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better
Deep down you're just like everybody else'
Straight away that seems to aim something right at me. Okay, so I don't think I'm exactly 'messed up' as such, I think I'm a little whacky but that's just me. But sometimes when you have your down days and you can't help but think to yourself about all the negative points to your life.
'Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better' - I agree with that more than anything, arguably. Sometimes when I'm having a shit day, I take 5 minutes to myself to chill the fuck out and I actually do feel a million times better.
Chorus:
'So why are you sat at home?
You're not designed to be alone
You just got used to saying "no"
So get up and get down and get outside
Cos it's a lovely sunny day
But you hide yourself away
You've only got yourself to blame
Get up and get down and get outside'
Okay, like I said, 'arguably'.. This really is my current lifestyle. Things have been kinda strange for me of late. It's topsy turvey.
I've got some great things going for me at the moment; yes, I'm a year out of sync for my age but I'm on the right track at college and finally doing something that I'm actually good at and I have a great bunch of friends, both the guys I met at college and the people I knew prior to college. My band has finally passed a huge block for ourselves recently, won't go into that too much and finally, I'm feeling more optimistic about things than I probably ever have.
The one thing about going to college that did effect me in a slightly negative way is when I moved on to meet new people and kinda cut a lot of people out of my life, it was the exact aim I wanted. The negative effect it had was that I became friends with a great bunch of people.. That didn't live in Honiton (except Jade).
So, going to college was in Exeter so I'd see everyone four times a week for a good portion of the day but when I head back to Honiton, because I didn't speak to anybody properly - it left me with not a lot of people to talk to. Without sounding too dramatic, my social life kinda dried up a little. Added to the fact people were turning 18 and going to the pub and because of this, parties dried up meant lack of knowing too many people to hang out with. All of this brings me back to my original point, that chorus is so true to what I've become.
I sit at home complaining about how I've got nothing to do and feel a tad lonely, because I also believe we're not supposed to be alone, why would we enjoy others company if we were meant to be individuals. The knock of effect with that is large too, I've ended up becoming so used to be a recluse that even when people do invite me out, I've ended up just getting 'used to saying no" '. So, I shoot myself in the foot a little.
Even when the weather is blistering hot, I stay inside. Okay, probably for my own safety, after all, the sun hates gingers so we just burn anyway.. Plus, I don't handle heat too well and get frustrated easily, even over the smallest of things. Still, whenever I do drag myself out to do something (whether it's in the heat or not), I tend to really enjoy myself. It's odd because I think this at not being able to play football properly any more is also the reason why I've lost motivation for most things. Hmmm, interesting but whatever it is, it hasn't helped me. Lack of motivation equals one thing, weight gain and to a degree, loneliness.
In all honesty, I can continue relating to the chorus because I have only got myself to blame. Not the fact I made new friends but the fact I've become quite a bit of a hermit out of my own doing, I've had chances to go out and do stuff but instead, I've chosen to stay in on Facebook and Football Manager and be bored and then complain about it.
Finally, it tells me what to do and in all honesty, that song makes me wanna do it anyway.
If you haven't checked the song out, do it. It's a good song.
Lastly, recently I got moaned at for my lack of motivation and laziness. I then got told 'maybe a girlfriend might motivate you'. Initially, I thought 'yeah, cos I'm just gonna pull one of them out of my pocket'. But then I gave it some thought, maybe one did. When I was with my last girlfriend, I spent far more time being a better friend and a half decent boyfriend than sitting on loners club Football Manager.
Of course, I kinda got too wrapped up in the idea and realized I might jump into something that I don't wanna 100% do again.
So, too prevent this, in the words of Jesse Eisenberg when he is playing Mark Zuckerberg.. 'I need something to take my mind off of it, but I need an idea'.
Yes, I have my band so I'm writing lyrics and I have a new series I'm working on but it's all for personal satisfaction.
I need an idea..
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