Over the last couple of weeks, I've been full of self doubt and criticising a lot about myself. Before you think 'here we go again', I'm not talking like I was at the beginning of 2010.. Not even close to that, in fact, not even in the same category.
I guess over the last couple of months, my life has slowly come to a hault in what I'm doing. The thing is, my mind I feel becomes stagnant when I'm not doing anything. A lot of people are similar and I get particularly bad when I'm like it, especially when I've come out of such a hectic and incredible year at college. Yes, I'm going back next year so not all's bad but I do need certain projects to keep me from becoming a little stale. I'm not going to love everything at college, units wise, but generally it will keep me going.
I have to be doing something that physically, without sounding like a depressive, makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I feel at this very moment in time, I don't have much going on. I spend a lot of time doing nothing and the worst part is, I'm by myself. I'm not going to lie, I like my own company very much, I almost feel totally free when I'm on my own but I do miss social interaction when I haven't seen someone in a few days. In fact, after not seeing anyone properly for 4 or more days, I actually feel as if my mind struggles. I was looking into the film 'LOVE' that has been all done through Angels & Airwaves (my idols) and it made me realize a few things. One of the main themes in the film are about human interaction and it goes into certain things like what you would do and how you'd cope without it along with many other things. It made me realize, if I hadn't already before, that human and/or social interaction pretty much makes you survive, keeps you sane, forms your personality. It might seem like an obvious thing but I guess I've never really had a problem with not having social interaction like pretty much the vast majority of population in a way that really effects me and most people.
But over the last couple of months, college was ending and has no ended and in all honesty, I don't see a lot of people. As I said previously, it's not such a problem a lot of the time but after a while, I struggle with coping with it. I have a need to see people and interact. I do know many people who will meet others when they're asked too but can see many, many people who at the same time, their family is enough social interaction and can sit inside doing their own thing quite happily for long lengths on end. I can never see myself like that, it's not that I have a problem with my family at all, it's this constant need to see people and do something.
The reason I say this is because my social interaction becomes a less of a need when I'm 100% focused on a project, for example, my film, I could spend a lot of time with people I needed to and then wouldn't have to see people for days on end, if I did then great but I didn't actually need to. The truth is, I haven't got a project that is 100% focusing me right now.
Okay, so I have my band which has gone through a complete turnover in the last month including two of them leaving and one joining and it's quite odd. It's a good odd but I'm not used to it and I think it does great things for me, it allows me to express myself in a way that I don't feel cheesy or feel as if it damages my pride and it's really rad. It does have it's downside though, as I mentioned at the top with the lack of self confidence it's effecting the way I write, the way I sing and they were I act around the other guys. I've never been great at singing but I've always loved doing it and I've always loved writing lyrics which I think lead me to singing but I'm not sure whether it's my lack of confidence right now but I'm constantly criticizing myself, like, to a new level. My singing was completely off during practice and to be honest, I seriously hate making excuses for the fact that I'm not very good at something but it was particularly off at practice I think because of two things, I've had a sore throat for the past week and I was incredibly nervous of singing in front of our new drummer, especially because of the fact that I'm not very good.
It's effecting the way I write as well, I have written one decent song in the last 3 to 4 months and it's been a nightmare. Previously, lyrics would seem to just fall out of my head and on to paper but at the moment, it's just not happening. It's not even the fact that I'm just trying too hard at it because I know that lyrics come to you, if you try, then you'll fail because you'll find yourself writing general crap and end up second guessing yourself and then it gets kinda boring and then you get frustrated because you just can't get anything down. I have a massive problem with what I can't seem to over come, I can't think how to sing lyrics and because I can't play guitar particularly well, I can't even write something in my own time and put words to it. It's something I've always struggled with since early last year when I decided I wanted to be in a band and my mind constantly lingers on it and it makes me criticize whether I can continue doing it and whether I'm cut out to do it.
One thing about me is that I've always been able to pull a mask on. I know people always claim they do but I find people who are constantly saying they are is bullshit. I say this now and it's the first time I've publicly said it. Yes, certain people know who I really am (if you want to put it that way?) and what I'm like and they love me for it and help me with things I fear and feel insecure about but I've always had this confidence that I could just pull on and actually use without people looking twice. I did it when I started college last year, I went to college acting like I had no problem in the world and I was this totally great and fun guy who could sort of do what I want. It worked, despite everything I had just walked out from. I'm not lying to everyone about who I am because I have the ability to do that, you see some people who act confident but you can see through it, people couldn't see through mine. That side of me helps, it allows me to make friends that I can learn to trust and things but it also allows the problem of when I have a 'weak moment', people might think 'what the fuck?' because people don't expect me to be like it.
I need to be working on something, I want to pour everything I have into my band and into making more films and videos. I don't think I'm particularly good at music but I do seriously want to get involved with it, I love what music has done for me which is the main reason, I look at the people who are involved in it and it's like, I want to be like them. Not for fame or glory or any of that bullshit and I mean that because I can be honest and say the simple reason to why I want to be like them, they're cool. And I'm talking from people right at the top like Tom DeLonge and Josh Franceschi who have fan bases and records to people who are in the local scene, a good friend of mine is quite a popular lad in the local music scene, Dan Guest but other than people I know pretty well directly, like Dan Broadley from The Deering and Ash Taylor formerly of We The Machines with Dan Guest n things. I guess it's kinda sad really but to a degree, I couldn't give a shit, I like their music and despite not knowing them as like a best mate, they're cool people who I would hang out with.
With my film making, it's different, I genuinely feel I'm good at something which for so long I've wanted. Yes, I'm young and have a lot to come and learn about but I'm surrounded in people who are good at things and I've always had this massive insecurity about never being really that good at anything but after creating 'Lost Boy' and it being a massive success at the show night and winning Best FMP (final major project) award, it made me feel like I'm good at something and it's something I want to press on with. It keeps me busy and allows me to create something in my own image that perhaps many other things don't, music does but as I've mentioned that I've been struggling with it recently so making films allows me to do it in another way. I've been working on something for the last week now, ideas wise, I've not got the equipment to do it until I go back to college but I do have an idea that I hope to put into action over the next few weeks to prepare it so I can immediately jump back into it when I go back to college before the work comes thick and fast. I would keep a serious eye on that, I won't tell you too much but it has a lot to do with what I've been talking about and how to come out of that. It's weird because it's like telling someone else who is in the exact same rut to get out of it. Strangely, it's like telling someone else how to do it but really, it's me that needs to tell it to allow me to hear it.
Strange.
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